FNP: MR. T HOSPITALIZED

Mr. T

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

FNP has learned from very reliable sources in the Israeli state that Mr.T was hospitalized for minor injuries incurred during a Jewish ritual. He is expected to be released, barring complications, in a couple of days.

According to one source, when Mr.T was first hired to protect the comatose General Ariel Sharon, Binyamin Netanyahu objected because he asserted that Mr. T was not clean, according to rabbinic authorities on the Talmud. He stated that Israeli intelligence had determined that Mr.T was not circumcised. Hence, he could not be allowed near the ailing Sharon.

Gurli Gur

According to Israeli media star, Gurli Gur, at a conference between Israeli state officials, hospital officials, and Mr.T, the renowned security expert agreed to be circumcised. He stated that his main concern was protecting Ariel Sharon.


Sources say that it was at this time that Binyamin Netanyahu, who had attended this meeting, suggested that Rabbi Shammi Oyhe, reputed to be very close to the hardest elements in the Likud Party and a relative of Mr. Netanyahu, perform the ritual circumcision.


All sources have independently affirmed these facts as certain. The meeting broke up and the appointed date for the circumcision was the following day.


Once again turning to Gurli Gur, who attended the ceremony as a representative of the pooled media, FNP was advised by this super-newshound that the  relevant individuals gathered at the appointed place, which was a room at the hospital. Mr.T was dressed in a blue institutional robe of the type usually provided to patients who were to be operated on. He wore very few of his distinctive, decorative apparel. He was present before the rabbinic official arrived. He did not seem nervous but rather stoical.


According to this source, Rabbi Oyhe arrived soon thereafter. From a leather case he withdrew his special ointments and tools and set them on a table upon which clean linen had been placed. A special candle, called the "pillar of Akiva," was set on the table and lit. There were two rabbinic witnesses to the correctness of the procedure.

Rabbi Shammi Oyhe

When all was prepared, Rabbi Shammi Oyhe motioned for Mr.T to take a supine position on an indicated surgical platform near at hand. Mr.T was told to roll to one side, so that the rabbi could have an advantageous position to execute the circumcision. The other rabbis took positions on the backside of Mr.T, effectively shielding the procedure from the eyes of the others in the room.


According to Mr. Gur, all seemed well. The presiding rabbi had placed the part on a small linen-covered, wooden block. He was seen to stoop to his case and withdraw something - perhaps a special tool.


Then, suddenly Mr.T and Rabbi Oyhe were struggling with a meat cleaver. The two witnessing rabbis attempted to restrain Mr.T, but they could not control the powerful "King of Bodyguards." When order was restored by police and hospital orderlies, the two camps broke up.

As the rabbis stormed out of the room, according to our source, they gave Mr.T the "Evil-Eye."

At a post-circumcision meeting shortly thereafter, the still excited, angry Mr.T exclaimed: "That fool tried to tomahawk me!"


Indeed, some minor damage had been inflicted on Mr.T, who stayed overnight in a hospital bed as a precautionary measure. From all FNP's sources in the hospital and the Israeli leadership, Mr.T remained uncircumcised.


A friendly rabbi had offered to perform a conceptual circumcision to make Mr.T eligible for security duty over the person of Ariel Sharon. Although opposed by the Netanyahu faction, this proposal won approval among a majority of Israeli statemen.


Two days later, Mr.T was providing vigorous bodyguard service for the beloved, comatose Sharon.


FNP's man in the Levant, Jasper Lee Stone, has advised us that there was considerable hostility within the Israeli government toward Mr.T and also toward Curtis Sliwa. "Expect more trouble," he advised. 

Curtis Sliwa

 

FNP is watching events in the Middle East very intently and carefully. This is a "hotspot" that won't cool.

FNP: LIKUD WARNED BY GOLDA MEIR

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, D.C.:

There have been reports coming out of the Israeli state by usually reliable sources that the Likud Party has been reprimanded by Golda Meir, who appeared at a seance held by Rabbi Noshi for Binyamin Netanyahu and his chief advisers.

The late Prime Minister Meir appeared as a stern spectre before the exalted group. She was clearly angry that Netanyahu had turned to Sonny Barger to end Palestinian impudence, according to one highly placed observer. This observer quoted Ms. Golda Meir as exclaiming: "He is a putz!" She then turned to Netanyahu and snapped: "Macher! Your decisions are ipish!"

According to reliable but anonymous observers, the Prime Minister tried to defend his decision by stating that Sonny Barger would be a "patsy." The IDF had assured the leaders of the Likud that Barger would never leave the battlefront alive. When he was confirmed dead, then Haim "Bad Chad" Chaddakah would seize control of the Hell's Angels.

As its international leader, he would provide the Mossad with another intelligence tool, as well as potential assassins. Israeli-produced pharmaceutical products could be distributed worldwide by the Hell's Angels organizations.

From all accounts available to FNP, the spectral Golda was not reassured. Of Barger she sneered: "He is ganef! It is traif! "

According to witnesses, as time passed the Rabbi Noshi tried to placate the angry spirit. He smiled and observed: "My dear Golda, our problem is the Palestinians. They trouble us greatly. Az mir vill schlugen a hunt, gifintmin a schtecken! [If one wants to beat a dog, one finds a stick.]

Suddenly, the visitor from the spirit world began to soften. She seemed to move to the seated rabbi and was observed kissing his hands. As she did, according to one witness, three demons leaped from his fingers, as he had failed to wash his hands that morning.

According to two observers at the seance, the spectral Golda Meir confided: "I came with my Jew's heart and only meant well. Please don't think of me as a muttlemessig."

At that point, FNP was advised that she began to melt away into the air.

First Binyamin Netanyahu, and then the others, cried out: "Zorg dikh nit! Be happy, Golda! All is well."

This fascinating look into one of the high councils of the Israeli state sheds much light on decision-making processes in the pivotal Levantine state. As Lord Byron observed: "Truth is stranger than fiction."

Rabbi Noshi