FNP: MR. T HOSPITALIZED

Mr. T

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

FNP has learned from very reliable sources in the Israeli state that Mr.T was hospitalized for minor injuries incurred during a Jewish ritual. He is expected to be released, barring complications, in a couple of days.

According to one source, when Mr.T was first hired to protect the comatose General Ariel Sharon, Binyamin Netanyahu objected because he asserted that Mr. T was not clean, according to rabbinic authorities on the Talmud. He stated that Israeli intelligence had determined that Mr.T was not circumcised. Hence, he could not be allowed near the ailing Sharon.

Gurli Gur

According to Israeli media star, Gurli Gur, at a conference between Israeli state officials, hospital officials, and Mr.T, the renowned security expert agreed to be circumcised. He stated that his main concern was protecting Ariel Sharon.


Sources say that it was at this time that Binyamin Netanyahu, who had attended this meeting, suggested that Rabbi Shammi Oyhe, reputed to be very close to the hardest elements in the Likud Party and a relative of Mr. Netanyahu, perform the ritual circumcision.


All sources have independently affirmed these facts as certain. The meeting broke up and the appointed date for the circumcision was the following day.


Once again turning to Gurli Gur, who attended the ceremony as a representative of the pooled media, FNP was advised by this super-newshound that the  relevant individuals gathered at the appointed place, which was a room at the hospital. Mr.T was dressed in a blue institutional robe of the type usually provided to patients who were to be operated on. He wore very few of his distinctive, decorative apparel. He was present before the rabbinic official arrived. He did not seem nervous but rather stoical.


According to this source, Rabbi Oyhe arrived soon thereafter. From a leather case he withdrew his special ointments and tools and set them on a table upon which clean linen had been placed. A special candle, called the "pillar of Akiva," was set on the table and lit. There were two rabbinic witnesses to the correctness of the procedure.

Rabbi Shammi Oyhe

When all was prepared, Rabbi Shammi Oyhe motioned for Mr.T to take a supine position on an indicated surgical platform near at hand. Mr.T was told to roll to one side, so that the rabbi could have an advantageous position to execute the circumcision. The other rabbis took positions on the backside of Mr.T, effectively shielding the procedure from the eyes of the others in the room.


According to Mr. Gur, all seemed well. The presiding rabbi had placed the part on a small linen-covered, wooden block. He was seen to stoop to his case and withdraw something - perhaps a special tool.


Then, suddenly Mr.T and Rabbi Oyhe were struggling with a meat cleaver. The two witnessing rabbis attempted to restrain Mr.T, but they could not control the powerful "King of Bodyguards." When order was restored by police and hospital orderlies, the two camps broke up.

As the rabbis stormed out of the room, according to our source, they gave Mr.T the "Evil-Eye."

At a post-circumcision meeting shortly thereafter, the still excited, angry Mr.T exclaimed: "That fool tried to tomahawk me!"


Indeed, some minor damage had been inflicted on Mr.T, who stayed overnight in a hospital bed as a precautionary measure. From all FNP's sources in the hospital and the Israeli leadership, Mr.T remained uncircumcised.


A friendly rabbi had offered to perform a conceptual circumcision to make Mr.T eligible for security duty over the person of Ariel Sharon. Although opposed by the Netanyahu faction, this proposal won approval among a majority of Israeli statemen.


Two days later, Mr.T was providing vigorous bodyguard service for the beloved, comatose Sharon.


FNP's man in the Levant, Jasper Lee Stone, has advised us that there was considerable hostility within the Israeli government toward Mr.T and also toward Curtis Sliwa. "Expect more trouble," he advised. 

Curtis Sliwa

 

FNP is watching events in the Middle East very intently and carefully. This is a "hotspot" that won't cool.

NETANYAHU DEMANDS "MR. T" LEAVE ISRAELI STATE



Angry Netanyahu

 Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

FNP has learned that the controversial Mr.T is under renewed bombardment from the Israeli leader, Binyamin Netanyahu. According to a number of Israeli newspapers, the antagonism between the two has reached a violent, bloodfeud state.
According to famed Israeli media star, Gurli Gur, the feud began shortly after Israeli leaders secured the services of Mr.T to protect the comatose Ariel Sharon in his hospital room. The beloved Israeli general had been stricken by a life-threatening stroke.

Mr. Gurli Gur confirmed that, prior to the employment of Mr.T, a rumor had been circulating in Jerusalem to the effect that the general had been violated in his hospital room by some unknown villain.

To protect General Sharon in his vulnerable state, hospital authorities and Israeli state officials approved hiring Mr.T, whose world-wide reputation in the area of security and bodyguard protection was unequalled.

As is well-known among top intelligence people, Mr.T came to terms with the Israelis and flew to Jerusalem. He set up a security system to protect Ariel Sharon. It was this system that had apparently captured the villain in yet another assault.

According to these reports, the perpetrator was dressed as a nurse. However, the size and speed of the fleeing "nurse" suggested to Mr.T that the nurse was a man. Further, Mr.T's scrutinizing of the video, secretly taped, of everyone entering the room had revealed to him a hazy image. Using imaging techniques to refine the face in the video, Mr.T concluded that it was none other than Binyamin Netanyahu. 

Although Mr. Netanyahu always seemed to have been elsewhere at the times of the assaults on General Sharon, Mr.T's own experiences in moviemaking informed him of the possibiility of a body-double having been used.

Now, about this time Curtis Sliwa had led a regiment of Guardian Angels into Palestine to man and secure the borders between Israel and the Palestinian Authority. As a curtesy, Mr. Sliwa stopped by to express his admiration for the righteous work that Mr.T had been doing. They "hit it off" immediately and began to confer regularly.

This relationship deeply angered Mr. Netanyahu. He vowed to friends that he would drive Mr.T, Curtis Sliwa and the Palestians themselves out of Eretz Israel. He told his friends that Ariel Sharon would recover, because all he really needed was love. He stated that General Sharon would one day soon stand "shoulder to shoulder" with him.

While Mr.T was briefing the hospital authorities on the latest incident, he had left Curtis Sliwa to guard Ariel Sharon. According to confidants of the leader of the Guardian Angels, a strange event occurred, while he sat on a chair near the bed of the comatose Sharon.  

Apparently, the general's eyes opened briefly and he raised himself on his bed. He looked directly at Curtis and asked, "Are you an angel?" Mr. Sliwa, although surprised, calmly replied, "Yes, I am!" According to these reports, Ariel Sharon shut his eyes again and fell heavily upon his pillow and bed. He never was known to have awakened again.

FNP has confirmed from several usually reliable sources that the blood feud between Binyamin Netanyahu and his allies and Mr.T and his new ally, Curtis Sliwa and the Guardian Angels, was real. This added a new incendiary to the boiling cauldron in the Middle East. How and when it would "blow" was only a guess now. But it was and is our duty as journalists to find the answers somehow.

FNP pledges to its readers that it will pursue the answers to these and related questions in future editions.