FNP: PENTAGON EYEZ SHARK ATTACKS

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

 Gurli Gur

NEWS BRIEF

As most FNP readers know from media accounts, there have been an unprecedented number of shark attacks on people enjoying the Atlantic Ocean waters lapping against the pleasant Carolina coast. To date, seven people have been attacked. They have ranged in age from adolescent to senior citizen. Usually, the victim has not been in deep water, but rather they were attacked in waist-deep waters.

Because of the number of attacks, politicians have not been able to ignore them and cover-ups had become increasingly unrealistic as the numbers grew. Therefore, political authorities in North and South Carolina have reached to scholarly authorities at local universities for analysis of the underlying causes of these hateful crimes against humanity.

These attacks have been a blow to the “Sharks Are Our Friends” Movement, which tries to understand sharks and “see things their way.” A spokesperson for National Association for the Advancement of the Shark Community, Regis Darnwell, advised FNP that “sharks like humans but fear them as well, because humans have killed so many of them in the past.” He continued, “Rest assured that something has forced the sharks close to the shore. When they see human legs and arms underwater, they panic, believing that they are under attack. They want to be left alone but will defend themselves when threatened.”

FNP inquired of Connie Rae Swazzlestern, Liaison to the Department of Beach Mishaps in the Governor’s Executive Offices of North Carolina, if authorities had identified a cause for the “Sudden Shark Syndrome” that has afflicted the Carolina coastal waters, which she could share with the press? She referred FNP to local shark expert, Dr. Newton Phigge, head of the Oceanography and Marine Sciences Department at the University of North Carolina.

After contacting Dr. Phigge, FNP learned that the unprecedented number of shark attacks was a function of human-shark proximity which science expressed by the formula: B + S = S. “In other words,” observed Dr. Phigge, “the equality of conservation of matter and energy is maintained in the relationship, although there may be a transfer among the integers plus or minus.”

FNP noted that the transfer of matter might not be equally welcomed, especially from the human side of the equation. We asked the renowned oceanographer what could be causing the sharks to “head for the beach” in unheard of numbers this summer, and he replied, “There exists a high probability that the sharks cannot find adequate food further out to sea or that they have reacted to something further out that they fear and from which they have fled.”

When FNP inquired what might be the cause of either of these options, Dr. Phigge responded, “The advent of large fishing ships that are capable of netting many tons of food fish could have tipped the Carolina ocean waters in the direction of ‘fish famine,’ i.e., waters barren of fish. Other possibilities exist for the creation of fish famine,” he noted. “Scientists are testing water PH, fungi levels, pollutants, and even the presence of deep sea monsters.”

FNP noted the last possibility and asked for further elaboration of the “fear scenario.” We asked this famous authority what in the world – sea world – could create fear in a shark, which most everyone believes to be the most terrible thing in the ocean?

Replying, Dr. Phigge said, “There is one marine creature that sharks fear; it is Orca.”

FNP interrupted him, inquiring, “You mean the ‘Killer Whale?’”

“Exactly!” responded Dr. Phigge. “They eat sharks. The Orca whale is a mammal, as are humans. However, unlike humans, they have no love for sharks.” Chuckling, Dr. Phigge observed, “Except in the sense that humans love hamburgers.”

FNP thanked the renowned oceanographers for his explanations, advising him that FNP planned on doing an article on the Carolina shark attacks and would be citing him, as well as others. “Feel free!” he counselled.

In discussing this article among ourselves, one of FNP’s top newshounds, Andy LeRoy, recalled talking several months ago to Drat Johnson, our man covering the Levant, and learning that the Israelis were fairly rapidly expanding their submarine fleet. Furthermore, as part of its unending burden of reparations to the Israelis, Germany had been providing high-tech submarines capable of firing nuclear-bomb-tipped missiles. Andy LeRoy was certain that Drat Johnson had said that the Israelis had given this class of potentially nuclear-bomb-tipped, missile-bearing submarines the categorical name of “Orca.”

The staff at FNP was stunned, as we all suddenly grasped the enormity of this data.

Andy LeRoy agreed to check this cascade of converging information with usually reliable sources in the Pentagon.

Here is what Andy discovered. The Pentagon was well-aware of the strengthening of Israel’s (sic) Navy with a wide range of submarines which were tasked with a variety of assignments. Further, they were aware of the new nuclear class submarines, known as “Orca,” and knew that they were armed with multi-missiles and that these missiles could be fitted with nuclear-tipped warheads.

When Andy LeRoy inquired if these “Orca” submarines could be patrolling the East Coast of the United States, this Pentagon source refused to comment. “That is a ‘Top Secret’ classification,” he advised. “The Pentagon is aware of their presence. We are trying to find out precisely where they are. I can say no more.”

Disappointed by the “stonewalling” by even usually reliable sources at the Pentagon, Andy reported to top FNP executives what he had learned. A decision was made to seek additional information from FNP friends in Israel. Specifically, Drat Johnson was instructed to quietly seek out Israeli media superstar, Gurli Gur, who had helped FNP with information on several occasions.

When Drat reported back that Mr. Gur had been very helpful, FNP was elated. Here is what Drat Johnson learned from the best secular source in Israel.

Indeed, the Israeli Navy received several high-tech submarines from Germany, as a kind of barter payment in the way of reparations arising from the “holocaust” (sic). The Israeli Navy would receive additional submarines in the future, based on this German obligation. The first series of Orca-class submarines would be taken to a top secret Israeli Navy base, the location of which even Gurli Gur could not discover. However, Mr. Gur’s sources have revealed that the Orca-class submarines were going to be given a “body makeover.”

By this Gurli Gur was given to understand that the Israelis were “tweaking” the appearance of the Orcas to appear to be Orcas. To accomplish this dramatic façade makeover, Israeli Defense Forces secured the services of some of the greatest Hollywood “special effects” companies. These companies agreed to supply vetted Jewish experts, to which the IDF would issue “Top Security” credentials, and these experts would take a leave-of-absence from their companies and move to Israel. Once there, they would live at this unknown secret naval base while accomplishing the desired special effect: a nuclear-armed submarine that appeared to be a normal Orca whale.

FNP decided to approach some of its Pentagon sources again. After repeated attempts to break through the “stonewalling” by fearful high Pentagon sources, Andy LeRoy, strictly on the basis of “not for attribution” confidentiality, was able to get information from an officer who was highly placed in the U.S. Office of the Navy. This officer advised FNP that a secret treaty had been signed with the Israelis which had assigned all coastal submarine patrolling to the Israeli Navy. In effect, the Israelis were being paid to provide security for the United States East Coast seaways.

When Andy LeRoy brought this news to the staff at FNP, there was shock but also recognition. Had not Israeli companies been contracted by Homeland Security or some other agency to provide security along the United States-Mexican border? Who really knew how many Israeli companies or governmental units were contracted by the United States authorities to “protect” some portion of American territory?

Everyone at FNP had instantly understood that giant Israeli submarines, disguised as Orca whales, patrolling the Carolina coastal waters would scare the deep-water sharks into a panicky “stampede” to get as close to the shore as they could get. Once there, the sharks might find an insufficiency of fish food, and some of them might then attack humans in the water.

Once again, FNP was forced to ponder George Lord Byron’s comment to the effect that “Truth is stranger than fiction.” To our readers, we will continue to dig into the implications of this marine mystery.

FNP: STORKING THE WHITE HOUSE

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, D.C.:

Among seasoned newshounds working the White House beat, there have been many tense discussions during the last year of the George W. Bush Administration. The focus of these discussions has been Condoleezza Rice, the former Secretary of State.
For most Americans the whole matter was totally unknown. Many journalists were unaware of the issue. What are we talking about?

Let's just say that FNP has been "storking the White House" for more than a year. What got us "twittering" at the Bushes? Diapers!

FNP has been able to establish beyond doubt that the Bush Administration had tried to dispose of incriminating diaper evidence through clandestine means. The C.I.A. was used to launder the many soiled diapers that had been collected by the Secret Service and held under seal in a room in the basement of the White House. Why?

After many months of digging, FNP newshounds were able to eliminate everyone but Condoleezza Rice and President Bush. FNP's executives made the decision that this story was too big to bury. We put some very good reporters on this assignment.
About one year before the Bush Administration passed the baton to President-Elect Obama, many Washington journalists and camera-carters began to talk about "Condi's weight gain." There was a blossoming of weight about her waist that continued for several months. Then, suddenly, the Secretary of State vanished. Her whereabouts could not be learned, even by the closest of State Department beat reporters.

FNP had even written a brief column speculating that she had gone to the Middle East to arrange a meeting in a suitably neutral cave between President Bush and Osama bin Laden. This was about the time that candidate Barack Obama was visiting Pakhistan, also seeking a meeting with the al Qaeda chieftain.

As suddenly as Secretary Condoleezza Rice had vanished from official Washington, she reappeared. In truth, only several days were involved. When she surfaced, it was at the State Department, where she was seen greeting diplomatic figures from Saudi Arabia. What amazed the reporters covering this beat was that she was so thin. She was as thin as ... as ... well, as old Condoleezza Rice had been. This was a real headscratcher for journalists.

Further, FNP had learned from an old friend in Texas, who requested anonymity, that there was talk among Texas newshounds that W. was "up to something" with Condi. The word was that Condi would arrive in a long, black limousine on a Friday night at the W. ranch in Crawford. No one would see her or W. again until the long, black limousine reappeared on Sunday night. Condoleezza Rice would quickly dart into the limousine, and it would then speed away.

FNP agreed with our Texas friend that there was a story here. We ramped up our investigation, and made it known around Washington that we were interested in any sound contribution to our effort. We were known to be generous to our friends. And we never divulged our sources.

We got two quick breaks. According to a usually reliable source covering the social side of Washington for a well-known magazine, there had been a private gathering in north Georgetown. She had been invited. When she got to the gathering, she noticed the Bush daughters, who, she reported, were feeling no pain. She overheard one say to the other: "This beats changing W.C.'s diapers." At the time she puzzled over what she had heard. It did not seem to make sense.

Next came the mysterious envelope. With FNP's reputation it - the envelope - didn't really surprise our executives in retrospect. However, at the time there was that tingle of anticipation. Someone had stuck an envelope through our "after-hours" delivery slot at the office. FNP would later learn that a Secret Service Agent had provided the envelope.

It was our assistant researcher, Dollie Daugherty, who picked up the envelope and opened it as she went to her desk. She told her peers at FNP that she was astonished to see a picture of a baby. Searching the envelope, she discovered a small note that said: "My Daddy's in the White House." It was signed "W.C."

After the executives at FNP saw it, bells began to ring. The decision was made to redouble our efforts. That was when we found that the going was getting tough. We pressed as hard as we dared but could not unravel the strange string of events.

Other strange events followed.

Secretary of State Rice had become the "toast of the town" after she had met with Osama bin Laden in a cave in Pakhistan. Their "frank" discussions over three days had been intense, with reporters covering the event testifying in stories printed in world-class newspaper that they were alone for extended periods of time. They said that from time to time they could hear what seemed to be shouting or crying from both.

Curiously, pundits back in Washington observed that Condi was gaining weight again. It was dismissed as too much "wining & dining" at diplomatic galas which were nearly daily events in Washington, as well as many other places. Seasoned reporters noted how such "partying" had ruined the health of William Jefferson Clinton.
After Barack Obama became President-Elect, the transition teams began to work for a smooth change of players. Secretary Rice, who became very obese during the last month of W.'s presidency, was a leader of this transition period. She almost lived at the White House during this period.

FNP watched these events closely. Two more pieces of journalistic luck occurred that helped us unravel the mystery. One, when President Bush and First Lady Laura turned over the White House to Barack and Michelle Obama, Condoleezza Rice was present. What got FNP's attention was that she was quite thin. She seemed to glow. She looked fit and happy.

Many journalists conceded that she had a tough job which she did very well indeed. Naturally, handing over the responsibilities must have taken a great burden from her shoulders. Of course, she would be happy.

However, at FNP journalistic antennae were raised high. Then, the second event occurred. The Obama Administration was only a few days beyond a month in power. We got a call from a very high contact at the C.I.A., who told us to look for a package in a trash can on the street corner one block away. He told us to look for one marked "W.C.'s unwanteds."

This message was too curious not to investigate. Many of our older reporters recalled the "Deep Throat" period of journalism. Only recently was the identity of "Deep Throat" discovered to be Bernadine Dorhn, who had been introduced to the Graham family by Ms. Squeaky Fromme, who acted at the behest of Ms. Patty Hearst.

As a matter of fact, FNP honcho, Anthony Eaglewolf, went to the designated trash can and dug for the described envelope. Both surprised and relieved, he brought the envelope back unopened. It was large and more of a package than envelope. The message written on it was in black marker ink.

Back at the FNP office he set the package on a table. A dozen newshounds gathered about it. Anthony opened it with a small box-opening knife. The moment it opened, it emitted a dreadful odor. Anthony dumped its contents on the table. A small mound of Pampers were suddenly formed. We photographed the evidence. Then Anthony Eaglewolf ordered reporters and photographers to begin a general search of trash cans near the White House, looking for packages that were identical to the one just opened. That night a score of trash cans yielded packages of Pampers.
There was a new mystery that was born that night. Some of the packages were marked "W.C.'s" but others were marked "O.C.'s." The staff at FNP looked at each other. What do these initials mean? Something strange was going on!

Not two days had passed, when once again, Dollie Daugherty noticed an intriguing envelope in FNP's delivery slot. It looked just like the odd envelope that had had the picture that stirred up the FNP brass. She picked it up and went to her desk. She opened it. She removed a photo that had a small note stuck to it. It read: "My 'Daddy's' in the White House." It was almost the same message she had read before. Yet, there was a different signature. This message was signed "O.C." She looked at the picture. It was not the same baby. There was a new baby picture. She hurried to the executive offices at the top of the FNP Building.

A few FNP executives were meeting in a large chamber to discuss, as it happened, the strange events at the White House. Dollie burst into the room. Although a bit annoyed at first, one look at Dollie and they knew it was important. She handed one of them the envelope with the picture and note. The contents were soon revealed to the gathered news mavens.

One of them, Jasper Bain, looked triumphantly at the others and said: "The mystery at the White House is solved. Gentlemen, I present to you another love-child in the White House. We have a case of the same hole but different poles!"

FNP has made several efforts to interview Condoleezza Rice, Osama bin Laden and W. None have returned our telephone calls. The Obama White House has refused to affirm or deny the presence of love-children at the White House. Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel has indicated to the press that his lips were sealed.

FNP: SCIENTISTS SEE NEW KID ON THE BLOCK

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

A small but growing segment of the scientists specializing in Physical Anthropology, Forensic Anthropology, Comparative Anatomy, Evolutionary Biology, Ethnology, Gene Ontology, and Sociology and Unified Cultural Speciology believe that “man” and “ape” are essentially the same thing. Therefore, they believe that modern taxonomy should reflect this likeness, as opposed to distinctions. This movement generally deplores human ethnocentrism as “bad science” and essentially “racist.”

“Lookee,” said Professor Morris Goodman of Wayne State University’s School of Medicine in Detroit, “Humans are like 2010 Mercedes Benz, while chimps are like 2007 models. We are basically the same car.”

Professor Goodman led a team of scientists who analyzed published sequences of 97 genes on six “apes,” including chimps, gorillas, orangutans and man. These researchers discovered that 99.4 % of the key DNA sites (collectively, 90,000 base pairs – “genetic letters”) that code for proteins were shared among humans and chimps. The other apes are almost as close. The logical implication of his data is that there is only one true “Homo.” All should be placed in the same Genus, whether it is termed “Homo” or “Pan.”

Among contemporary, living apes only humans are placed in the category of “Homo.” This has been the case since modern taxonomy was defined by the famous Swedish scientist, Carl Linnaeus, in Systemae Naturae, published in 1735. Johann Friedrich Blumenbach had proposed a new taxonomy in 1795, but it retained Linnaeus’ human priority and distinction from the Ape category.

Georgetown University Professor Stanley Blatzberg-Harriman has drolly categorized these early taxonomists as “jive-turkey Europeans.”

On occasion FNP has noted articles carried by other news media in which the suggestion was made that chimps and man be classified as “Homo.” The logic of such articles seemed to be that chimps should not be incarcerated in zoos, but rather these “brothers” should be attending usual human institutions such as churches, synagogues, lodges, schools, et cetera. There should be equal opportunity for all humans (or apes) in the workplace, and they should have equal access to public facilities.

“Separate-but-equal concepts of law among humans has been declared unconstitutional,” declared Professor Amery Stern-Morgan of Harvard University’s School of Law. “Should scientists determine that chimps and other apes share 99.4% of the same DNA architecture as humans, what court would deny their humanity?”

According to FNP’s researcher on this issue, the figure of 99.4% shared genes, used by the Goodman team, differed from other studies.

For example, the Roy J. Brutten team, using a different approach, arrived at a figure of 95% correspondence between chimp and human genomes. Still another study by Tatsuya Ansai and his team, again using a different approach, arrived at 86.7% correspondence. Still, other media have used the figure of 97%, when featuring this issue.

For our readers to better understand this problem, FNP offers a caveat. When Linnaeus created his taxonomy, he used the word “species,” which was derived from the Latin word for “to see.” Hence, what was visible to the eye as a significant difference became a defining categorical niche. However, in private Linnaeus apparently questioned his own division of Man from Ape. One reason for his decision was “fear of clergy.”

Clearly, the issue of difference would be argued, due to its subjectivity, even when facts were set forth to offer justification. Due to human bias, this had a prevailing effect of human ethnocentrism and superiority.

However, when the technology advanced in optics, et al, to see “the world within,” opinion among scientists began to radically drift away from ordinary humans. They immersed themselves in an otherwise “strange land.” Their predominant link to the ordinary human’s world became weaker and more tenuous. A kind of contempt for the “vulgarity” of every-day people arose.



Scientist, such as Professor Irv Davis of Stanford University, proclaimed that the distinction between humans and chimps was basically “cultural.” He stated, “Maybe if the chimps would send us a Peace Corps, humans could be uplifted from their vain modes of thinking. At Stanford we are attempting to develop a chimp pedagogy specifically trained to teach humans.”

Famed British physicist, Richard Dawkins, decried the “discontinuous mind” which tries to impose inflexible, inaccurate definitions to non-discreet phenomena. “How,” he wondered, “Can science accept a decorative distinction between waffles and pancakes as permanent?”

FNP reports, but our function does not include defining forms of life. If a chimp becomes a governor or senator, we will judge him by his deeds – not by whether he has “poster boy” good-looks or comes from a rich family. As the poet Robert Burns wrote: “A man’s a man for all that.” FNP might well add: “An ape’s an ape for all that.” 

FNP: DONALD GRAHAM, THE LAST QUEEN OF SCOTLAND?

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, D.C.:

 

Katherine Meyer Graham

FNP has stumbled across some interesting new information that recently surfaced in regard to the late Katherine Meyer Graham. 

As many of our readers know, Mrs. Graham met an untimely demise in Wyoming, when she allegedly stumbled.

Note: some highly placed Wyoming authorities have been, and still are, suspicious about this “accidental” death, and the case may be re-opened as a homicide inquiry.

According to usually informed “Graham watchers,” prior to her unexpected “fall,” Katherine Meyer Graham had hired some of the finest genealogists in American and the U.K. to investigate her various family lines. Included amongst these authorities were top professionals from Burke’s Peerage. According to usually reliable sources, the investigation hit “pay dirt.” An overlooked line through Mrs. Graham’s husband, Philip, was “royal-blue blood.”

Famed historian, Professor Bene’ Brazil, discovered verified documents suggesting that Mary, Queen of Scotland, had a “love child.” According to this new evidence, the queen had a brief ardor for a Spanish dignitary, Lorenzo de Cordoba, who had visited her court on official business of the king. 

Interestingly, Lorenzo was said to be a Marrano that was descended from the Sephardic Jew, Ricardo de Marrakech, a gentleman who came into great prominence at the time of the Muslim Imperium in North Africa. He was a counselor to the Caliph of Cordoba. His wealth and power became great. He was famed for his vision. Professor Brazil has suggested, in fact, that a “love child" of his became the world famous, Nostradamus, whose prophetic vision is studied even today.

The professor has announced his determination to search the line of Ricardo de Marrakech further. Apparently, Ricardo’s father, “Esau the Imposter,” had earned a vile reputation in western North Africa.

Esau the Imposter



This breaking story has surprising importance for our time. If the information obtained by these experts should stand, the late Philip Graham was possessed of a lineage which gave him a claim to be the rightful king of Scotland.

Although the kingdom of Scotland doesn’t exist as a separate, sovereign nation, being part of Great Britain, and it is ruled by the Windsor (nee’ Hanover) queen, Elizabeth II, there have been separatist spirits stirring there for a long time. These spirits in recent times have waxed noticeably. Should a separatist movement engender sufficient force to compel an autonomous state within a state, one that has at least a figurehead king for the sake of tradition and for the sake of providing patriots a point around which they might gather, then serious attention must be given to any heir of Philip Graham, as that rightful king.

The one person whose name has most often been mentioned was Donald Graham, the well-known media mogul. Sometimes referenced as the “Lord of Fifteenth Street,” Donald was comfortable in the realm of riches and power. As a frequent attendee at “Bilderberger” meetings, where royal and rich people, and their servant “eggheads,” gather to schmooze, kvetch and schlep (to the canapé trays), he was quite aware of the culture of European High Society. He, indeed, fitted in well. Informed sources suggested that he would bring his pet “hog” to advise and brief him on the more difficult concepts bandied about by leaders of the ”World Community.” Indeed, the court of “King Graham” might well be filled with former Washington Post employees.

As Professor Brazil asserted, if William the Conqueror could appoint Normans to the lordships of England, why couldn’t King Donald appoint loyal Post pundits to the lordships of Scotland?  

FNP hastens to warn that this excitement about Donald Graham is premature. Whether events unfold in such a way as to create the need for a king in Scotland cannot be known with certainty. Those who make a point of speculating upon such events say that the crown may go to Donald. How the Scot people “personalize” Donnie’s rule can only be guessed at, but at least one expert observer felt that the Scot people might well dub him: “Donald the Strange.”



Donald Graham

 One interested observer noted, strictly “not for attribution,” that Donald’s alleged surgery and identity “makeover” might preclude his being crowned “king.” While no further comment was made, the implication of this informed source seemed to be that Donnie would instead be crowned “Queen of Scotland.” If this be so, then let us all shout: “Long Live the Queen!”




Ricardo de Marrakech

 

FNP: MR. T HOSPITALIZED

Mr. T

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

FNP has learned from very reliable sources in the Israeli state that Mr.T was hospitalized for minor injuries incurred during a Jewish ritual. He is expected to be released, barring complications, in a couple of days.

According to one source, when Mr.T was first hired to protect the comatose General Ariel Sharon, Binyamin Netanyahu objected because he asserted that Mr. T was not clean, according to rabbinic authorities on the Talmud. He stated that Israeli intelligence had determined that Mr.T was not circumcised. Hence, he could not be allowed near the ailing Sharon.

Gurli Gur

According to Israeli media star, Gurli Gur, at a conference between Israeli state officials, hospital officials, and Mr.T, the renowned security expert agreed to be circumcised. He stated that his main concern was protecting Ariel Sharon.


Sources say that it was at this time that Binyamin Netanyahu, who had attended this meeting, suggested that Rabbi Shammi Oyhe, reputed to be very close to the hardest elements in the Likud Party and a relative of Mr. Netanyahu, perform the ritual circumcision.


All sources have independently affirmed these facts as certain. The meeting broke up and the appointed date for the circumcision was the following day.


Once again turning to Gurli Gur, who attended the ceremony as a representative of the pooled media, FNP was advised by this super-newshound that the  relevant individuals gathered at the appointed place, which was a room at the hospital. Mr.T was dressed in a blue institutional robe of the type usually provided to patients who were to be operated on. He wore very few of his distinctive, decorative apparel. He was present before the rabbinic official arrived. He did not seem nervous but rather stoical.


According to this source, Rabbi Oyhe arrived soon thereafter. From a leather case he withdrew his special ointments and tools and set them on a table upon which clean linen had been placed. A special candle, called the "pillar of Akiva," was set on the table and lit. There were two rabbinic witnesses to the correctness of the procedure.

Rabbi Shammi Oyhe

When all was prepared, Rabbi Shammi Oyhe motioned for Mr.T to take a supine position on an indicated surgical platform near at hand. Mr.T was told to roll to one side, so that the rabbi could have an advantageous position to execute the circumcision. The other rabbis took positions on the backside of Mr.T, effectively shielding the procedure from the eyes of the others in the room.


According to Mr. Gur, all seemed well. The presiding rabbi had placed the part on a small linen-covered, wooden block. He was seen to stoop to his case and withdraw something - perhaps a special tool.


Then, suddenly Mr.T and Rabbi Oyhe were struggling with a meat cleaver. The two witnessing rabbis attempted to restrain Mr.T, but they could not control the powerful "King of Bodyguards." When order was restored by police and hospital orderlies, the two camps broke up.

As the rabbis stormed out of the room, according to our source, they gave Mr.T the "Evil-Eye."

At a post-circumcision meeting shortly thereafter, the still excited, angry Mr.T exclaimed: "That fool tried to tomahawk me!"


Indeed, some minor damage had been inflicted on Mr.T, who stayed overnight in a hospital bed as a precautionary measure. From all FNP's sources in the hospital and the Israeli leadership, Mr.T remained uncircumcised.


A friendly rabbi had offered to perform a conceptual circumcision to make Mr.T eligible for security duty over the person of Ariel Sharon. Although opposed by the Netanyahu faction, this proposal won approval among a majority of Israeli statemen.


Two days later, Mr.T was providing vigorous bodyguard service for the beloved, comatose Sharon.


FNP's man in the Levant, Jasper Lee Stone, has advised us that there was considerable hostility within the Israeli government toward Mr.T and also toward Curtis Sliwa. "Expect more trouble," he advised. 

Curtis Sliwa

 

FNP is watching events in the Middle East very intently and carefully. This is a "hotspot" that won't cool.

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

NEWS BRIEF 

Recently released information from the Obama White House casts a new light on the "W." Administration's efforts at diplomacy in the Middle East.

There has been a growing sentiment within intelligence circles in the West that Osama bin Laden has fallen in love. According to usually reliable sources working the intelligence beat, Osama has been lying awake at night on his bedding in a cave in Pakistan, staring at a small picture which he had cut from a newspaper some months back. His only light has been a half burnt candle.



According to one clandestine observer who has since fled to the West, Osama has been heard muttering affectionate words to the picture. He has been seen kissing the photograph, sometimes passionately. One clandestine observer has sworn to intelligence debriefers that he had witnessed what must surely be an erection on the leader of al Qaeda, as he ogled the photograph.

Usually reliable sources especially close to French intelligence, have stated that the real reason that Osama bin Laden suddenly appeared to be much younger was that he had dyed his beard “black,” hoping to impress the object of his fiery passion. For this reason, anonymous insiders in the American & Israeli intelligence condominium realized that the object of his love must be someone likely to see Osama’s picture. If she was impressed by his youthful vigor, then she might signal to him that “she’s ready.”

Who was this mystery lady? According to the “turned Osama confidant,” who had sneaked a peek into Osama’s bedroom-in-a-cave, she was none other than Condoleezza Rice, U.S. Secretary of State.



According to highly placed State Department officials, the brainy beauty had been quoted as stating that she thought that Osama was “dreamy” and “a real hunk.” These same sources had been aware that Miss Rice was quietly working to arrange a private meeting with Osama in a neutral cave to discuss peace. Anonymous wags have dubbed it, “The Love Cave.” 

FNP: NOTED ZOOLOGIST LECTURES IN TEL-AVIV

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, D.C.:


FNP has learned that Doctor Calvin Clower, a zoologist at the International Institute of Reptiles at San Jose, California, will be flying to Tel-Aviv to give his fifth lecture on the Blue-Throated Wood Lizard. The lecture was scheduled for the third Wednesday in October. 



Although not widely known in the United States, Dr. Clower has become a smash-hit in the Israeli state. How did this happen? You may ask.


According to a source that was very close to the founders of the Blue-Throated Movement, the relationship was improbable at the outset. It occurred this way:


Dr. Clower had been lecturing at various academic and theological sites within India, comparing Shiva and the Blue-Throated One. The brilliance of his lectures created much intellectual ferment there.


Apparently, on his way back to America he stopped over in the Israeli state.



His arrival was brought to the attention of certain rabbis, led by Rabbi Zvi ha’Locknclop, who urged him to speak briefly, even informally, to their group. Dr. Clower agreed. His speech was greeted by astonishment, followed by near hysterical excitement. According to our source, these rabbis loved it and were mesmerized by what the doctor had said. They begged him to return for a formal presentation. He agreed, and a date was set.


By this time the word had gotten around. Dr. Clower spoke in a large, SRO chamber to a group of eminent rabbis and scholars. He spoke with ardency and brilliance about the Blue-Throated Wood Lizard. There were tears in many eyes. These were not tears of sadness but of great joy.


According to Gurli Gur, the famed Israeli media star, the Jewish love affair with the Blue-Throated Wood Lizard was now “outed.” Everyone in Jerusalem, Tel-Aviv, Haifa, Ailat and every place in-between spoke about the Blue-Throated One. In religious schools students, preparing to be scholarly rabbis, could - not infrequently - be seen with blue-painted necks.


As Gurli Gur pointed out, Dr. Clower had become a celebrity in the Jewish state. His next lecture was televised. Jewish businessmen vied with each other to contract with Dr. Clower to vend his DVDs, books, and novelty items.
It was this “Blue-Throated Mania,” according to usually reliable sources, that inspired government leaders to set aside a natural reserve to house American Blue-Throated Wood Lizards. It would be a perfect environment for them. Israeli citizens could view them on display in a perfectly simulated natural environment. Jewish scientist would attempt to breed them as well.


If the Israeli state has replaced California as America’s “bell-weather” state, which points toward our future, then FNP predicts that ordinary Americans would become a lot more familiar with the little, swaggering reptile.


Out of curiosity, FNP conducted an informal poll of Washingtonians, asking them what they thought of the Blue-Throated Wood Lizard. Many respondents guessed that it was a Japanese movie monster. Others just shrugged their shoulders or smiled in puzzlement. As Gurli Gur quipped about America, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.”



Nevertheless, FNP has learned from Texas sources that have proved reliable in the past that Minister John Hagee and a delegation from his congregation were planning to fly to the Israeli state, where they planned to present 1,000 Blue-Throated Wood Lizards to the Netanyahu government. If this story proved to be true, and it has the ring of truth, then the news about the magnificent, mysterious lizard has already reached our shores.

FNP intends to keep an eye on this story. If a Blue-Throated Movement develops in America, we will be the first to let you know.

FNP: DEATH IN SAFARI-LAND

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

NEWS BRIEF

FNP has learned that a terrible accident has recently occurred at the posh private reserve in south Texas known as African Safari-Land & Spa. A young man who worked as a caddy at the prestigious 36-hole golf course that adjoins the wild game reserve at Safari-Land was killed in an accident, involving former Vice President Richard "Dick" Cheney.

According to usually reliable sources, the caddy may have been involved in drug trafficking. He apparently was armed and, when accidentally encountering the former VP in the rough near a fence that separates the animal reserve from the golf course, he drew his handgun to fire.

Mr. Cheney, who was armed with a high-powered rifle that he was using to hunt oystrich, hoping to have the trophy made into boots, leveled his weapon on the caddy and fired. Both men were hit. According to a Saudi Arabian official who requested anonymity, he was part of a group, including Mr. Cheney and an undisclosed member of the Bush family, who were hunting in the reserve that morning. He stated that the wounded caddy was screaming and writhing on the ground just inside the fence at the rough of the golf course. He witnessed the wounded and enraged VP go to the fence, aim his rifle, and fire into the caddy a death wound. All agreed that this was an accident and mercy killing, as the caddy could not be saved, considering his grievous wounds.

Other usually reliable sources have told FNP, strictly on the basis of not for attribution, that the caddy appeared to have a backpack full of packages of white material. However, subsequent searches of the golf course area near the accident reportedly resulted in no unusual discoveries.

Richard Cheney was rushed to a hospital for treatment and later transferred to a hospital closer to his home. There, he was reported to have had a "heart procedure" done. The good news is that the former VP seems to be on the mend.

FNP is further investigating the expensive, exclusive, members-only African Safari-Land & Spa and intends upon getting a fuller story. We believe that there is more here than meets the eyes.  

NEW DEAL BLOGGING

This site will feature some of Faux News Press' media releases. The breaking reports of the day that are typically ignored by the major media outlets are staples at "FNP." They will continue to publish at Bravenet.com as well. Faux News Press originally was published at WordPress.com, as part of the Nomoonnight blog. However, the power of Nomoonnight's material was unacceptable to their "liberal" environment at WordPress.com, as they had no defense against facts and truth, which are usually consigned to the trashcan as material omissions in major media and academia. In short Nomoonnight was "suspended" after over 100 pithy blogs had been published, and all the blogs were incarcerated in a no-visitors concentration camp to await extermination. It was a privilege granted to WordPress.com by its "rules" and, hence, no explanation was required and certainly not offered.

Parenthetically, some of the retros at WordPress.com have tried to publish "simulated" Faux News Press material. Naturally, it lacked genius, given the sources.