FNP: PREZ OBAMA "OKAYS" CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

 

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

NEWS BRIEF

Sources close to the president have leaked to selective media outlets that President Obama has reached a definitive position on capital punishment in federal cases. FNP was told that the president’s choice will likely be the standard in all the states of the Union within two years.

FNP’s man at the White House, Freddy O’Dunne, advised FNP that the president had been concerned about this issue for years. Barack Obama had never been a proponent of capital punishment prior to achieving his goal of being the president of the United States. Now, he felt it was the proper time to commit America to the kind of change he had promised from the outset of his run for the top office in the land. 

Although President Obama had put this issue on the back-burner as he dealt with the many thorny issues besetting America, the several recent episodes in which people on the “death beds” in the execution chambers in penal facilities in various states of the Union having to endure thirty minutes to an hour or more of suffering, as the poisonous cocktails of chemicals worked through and wrecked the victims’ bodies, was too much. “There has got to be a better way,” one highly placed source at the White House heard President Obama mutter to VP Biden.

Furthermore, President Obama and Vice President Biden sat together and watched film of recent horrors in the Middle East, including beheadings and brutal firearm executions. When the president viewed the execution of the Jordanian pilot who had been placed in a pen and set afire, he was appalled and wept openly at his inability to help the poor man. “Never again will America be party to cruel executions,” he told Mr. Biden and his staff.

According to the briefing that the White House gave Freddy O’Dunne and other White House newshounds, the president had reached an understanding with all the governors in all the states of the Union to follow federal guidelines on the execution of convicts. 

The federal guidelines call upon each convict sentenced to death for a particularly heinous crime to be taken to a “Capital Punishment Hospice House,” which would be established at each designated facility in which capital punishment events were scheduled to occur. At these “hospices” the convicts would experience “freedom within confinement.” 

The chemicals used to cause the premature death of each convict so housed would be introduced daily in a pleasant, even enjoyable fashion. Each convict “jailed” in these facilities would be provided a menu of possible choices. Three times a day the chemicals would be introduced into the convict’s body – usually by himself, if physically able. He was free to choose the same item for each meal or order something different on each occasion. The only restriction was that it must be an item listed on the menu. Expert medical opinion indicated that the poisons would take from six weeks to three months to produce irreparable toxic damage to a convict’s body, rapid systemic failures and death.

Each federal execution “hospice” facility would be staffed with nurses. A qualified physician would visit the facility at least once a week. These visits would be more frequent, as a convict’s health deteriorated. Also, a physician would be available on a 24/7 basis for emergency events.

The Department of Justice would be delegated to operate the convict hospices through its Bureau of Prisons. Former Attorney General Eric Holder had signed an agreement with McDonald’s to provide the items on the menu, which would reflect 90% of their typical food offerings, excluding mostly experimental food items. The current Attorney General, Ms. Lynch, has indicated to FNP that she intends to follow through on the Holder Initiatives, pursuant to President Obama’s General Order for Humane Executions.

FNP applauds all federal, state and local efforts at humane treatment of “wards of the state” whose well-being depends on the guardianship of relevant governmental agents. A special nod of appreciation from us to President Obama and former AG Holder for assuming leadership in this often overlooked area of society.

THE OBAMA CAMELOT

The recent coverage of President Obama has appeared to be a conscious effort to associate him and his wife, Michelle, with the late President John F. Kennedy and his First Lady, Jacqueline, and their "Camelot Reich." The media has given Mr. Barack Obama a generally enthusiastic reception. There are great hopes expressed for his success in "changing" America. Beneath the glamour and the image of decisiveness resides the reality. He almost seems to be following a script.


Many of us who remember those Kennedy presidential days can still "see" the President, his brothers, family and friends out in the yard playing as vigorous a brand of football as they could muster. Rafer Johnson, the Olympian, or Rosy Greer, the professional football player, might well be there, joining in the fun. They all seemed youthful and energetic.




Today, Barack Obama likes to "toss at the hoops." He is seen, sometimes, practicing for the fun and challenge with top college squads. He probably has done a few "one on ones" with the Wizards professional basketball team. Again, the public sees a young, vigorous man at play, who is also that confident, cool politician and statesman they see, also, on television.




At this point in time President Obama has faced down Mr. Wagner of General Motors, much as President Kennedy faced down the head of the U.S. Steel Corporation early in his administration. Although it may not presently be known, at the time of John F. Kennedy's administration, U.S. Steel was a very powerful, central industry in America. Not only was it powerful, it was the "point man" for a solid rank of powerful steel companies, such as Bethlehem Steel, Republic Steel, et al. None of these companies were "beggar corporations," whose extended hand could easily be twisted. These steel companies had a bevy of supporting corporations which were part of the steel making and distribution process, such as mining companies at one end and finished tool-makers, construction, and other end-product users. Needless to say, this show of "presidentiality" by Mr. Kennedy made him seem even stronger and "King Arthuresque."




Camelot! Every day was the first day of Spring!


Yet, there were villains out there that had to be faced down. Fidel Castro became an obsession at the Kennedy White House, just as Osama bin Laden is to become an obsession of Mr. Obama's. Beyond that annoyance, President Kennedy had to confront the leaders of the U.S.S.R. over apparent nuclear missiles which Fidel had welcomed to his "Comradedom," Cuba.




My belief is that something of the same work is afoot in regard to Iran. Although the Russian people were able to break free of the "iron egg" of the U.S.S.R. and once again take their place among the self-ruling nations of the world, they remained as nuke-potent as ever. If they did not plant nuclear missiles on Iranian soil, they have sold them high-tech, non-nuclear missiles and other weapons. They have also apparently counseled the Iranians in certain areas of nuclear fuel processing, including upgrading to heavier forms of radioactive material. Hence, there seems to be a not-so-rough comparison between the Cuba-U.S.S.R. nexus during the John Kennedy years and the Iran-Russia nexus of Barack Obama's. Of course, Iran isn't "next door." Still, in an age when the North Atlantic Ocean is relentlessly referenced as a "pond" by media, Iran may seem only a "couple of blocks away."




Oddly, contemporary Russia may not be the only source of nukes. One can imagine an unraveling in Pakistan, resulting in a leadership friendly toward Iran and willing to share nuclear weapons.




Nor is the U.S.A. the only force that might be willing to confront the Iranian nuclear ambition. Not only is the Israeli state possessed of the fourth most powerful military force in the world - at least in terms of short-term warfare, it has stated publicly and privately that the Iranian situation was becoming intolerable and incompatible with its very existence. Beyond that, if Pakistan evolved politically into an Iranian "pal," then the nuclear-armed India might be drawn into an axis with the Israeli state to end their mutual problem with "extreme prejudice." The "I & I threat" to Middle Eastern peace might be quite real in the not-so-distant future.




As the "new kid on the block," Mr. Obama knows that he'll be tested.




Hence, the bright, vigorous days of Mr. Obama's administration may be doomed. Just as Mr. Kennedy began to show the pressure and burden in his face, so I expect will be the case for Mr. Obama. It's a tough job. Let's hope the parallel ends there.




March, 2009

MR. PRESIDENT - MAKE SCHMOOZE, NOT NEWS

Having taken a week or so to ponder President Obama's schlepping a pedestrian arrest issue into front page news -- for almost a week, I make bold to declare that Mr. Obama should cease to act like some college smart-aleck and just be presidential. Mr. Obama was elected to concentrate on solving major issues that -- hello? -- aren't solved yet. There is the growing perception that the president has grown a little tired of coping unsuccessfully with the "biggies" and now would like to delegate all these matters to cabinet member "patsies," while he considers whether his 3/4 profile is better from the left side or the right. Mr. Obama is a fine orator, when he takes the time to consider his words, and it is our hope that he will utilize the "no comment" statement, when asked a banal or unworthy question, excepting those occasions when he can slip in a good "one-liner" that allows almost everyone a laugh. We aren't against humor; we're against the president's instinct to be a South Chicago politician, rather than a statesman and national leader.







July 30, 2009

FNP: WASHINGTON POST HOSTS MOGUL MARCH

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

FNP has learned that Donald Graham and Catharine Weymouth will host this years "March of the Moguls" under the banner of The Washington Post. This event has become an annual parade showcasing America's leading plutocrats.

The parade will begin at the home of The Washington Post, which is located in a building at 15th & L Streets, NW, Washington, D.C. From there it will proceed southward past the U.S. Treasury building. As the paraders proceed past this building, they will pause to hear a few words of welcome from President Obama and Secretary Tim Geithner.

According to sources high in the Obama Administration, each mogul will receive a $20 Double Eagle gold coin in mint condition as a gesture of "thanks" for all they have done for America. Due to unexpected hardship, Bernie Madoff will receive ten gold coins for services provided in past years.

After this presentation, the moguls will continue their march to the west lawn of the U.S. Capitol. They will be met by a combined assemblage of Senators and Representatives, who will listen respectfully as the moguls sing: "God Gave This Land To We."

After this exuberant songfest, the moguls will be treated to canapes and cocktails. Parked discreetly to the side of the Capitol grounds, scores of limousines will await the weary but merry moguls.

The parade will be led by Donald Graham, Warren Buffet and Catharine Weymouth. Following this trio will be: Walter Shorenstein (San Francisco), Richard Swig (San Francisco), Scott Seligman (Michigan), Martin Selig (Seattle), Jack Benaroya (Seattle), Arthur Cohen (Arlen Realty...), a Samuel J. Lefrak family representative (N.Y.C.), representatives of the Uris, Durst, Tishman, Rudin, Horowitz, Ravitch, Minskoff, Milstein families (N.Y.C.), Sol Goldman and Frederic Rose family representatives (N.Y.C.), Aaron Gural, Leo and Alexander Bing, the Reznicks, Fishers, Koeppels, Wiens, Cohens and Silverstein family representatives (N.Y.C.), Steven Gaines (The Hamptons), Ben Tobin, Jack Weiler, Frederic and Earle Mack (N.Y./N.J.), Aaron Ziegelman (N.Y.C.), Jerry Speyer, Bernard Mendik (N.Y.C.), Steven Green (N.Y.C.), Albert M. Greenfield (Philadelphia), the Hellman family (Los Angeles), the Sam Zell family (Chicago), Neil Bluhm, Judd Malkin, Philip Klutznik (Chicago), Robert Smith (D.C.), Robert Kogod (D.C.) the Haft family representative (D.C.), Mort Zuckerman (D.C.), Albert Abramson (D.C.), Ted Lerner (D.C.), Bernard and Carol Gewirz(D.C.), Robert Rosenthal (D.C.), Estelle Gelman (D.C.), Hermen Greenberg (D.C.), representatives of the Abe Polin family (D.C.), Myer and Adrienne Arsht Feldman (D.C.), Joel Meisel (D.C.), Barry Cohen (D.C.), Jerry Moore (Houston), David Mincberg (Houston), Laurence Hirsch (CEO of Centex), a representative of the Mark Goldweitz family (Boston), Jerome Rappaport (Boston), the Krupp family representative (Boston), Stephen Karp (Boston), Julian Cohen (D.C.), Bruce Beal (Boston), Steve Fishman (Boston), Ron Drucker (Boston), Dick Friedman (Boston), Alan Leventhal (Boston), Edwin Sidman (Boston), the representative of the Simon Konover family (N.E.), Richard Penzer (Pittsburgh), William Adler (Chicago), Jona Goldrich (L.A.), Abraham Lurie (L.A.),Mark Nathanson (L.A.), Craig Robins (Miami), Tony Goldman (N.Y.), John Price (Utah), Sally Barry (Denver), Jordan Perlmutter (Denver), Shaul Baruch (Denver), Phil and Harley Schrager (Omaha), Mort Friedman (Sacramento), Sheldon Solow (N.Y.C.), David Steiner (N.Y.C.), and many Canadian families, such as the Bronfman, Reichman, Munk, Mernick and Belzberg, who control vast properties in America, will send representatives. There are many other prominent moguls - not listed here - who will attend.

Donald Graham was overheard gloating about the march at a recent dinner with Emil and Warren at The Boss Lady. This posh restaurant in Georgetown, named after Katherine Meyer Graham, has become the spot for real power in America and in the world to have a "square meal" of pricey dishes, while plotting such things as control of Brazilian real estate. No wonder "regular" people can't get a seat at it.

Not to worry! FNP has many eyes that are happy to share the news about what they see.