FNP: OSAMA BIN LADEN IN LOVE?

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington,DC:


There has been a growing sentiment within intelligence circles in the West that Osama bin Laden has fallen in love. According to usually reliable sources working the intelligence beat, Osama has been lying awake at night on his bedding in a cave in Pakistan, staring at a small picture which he had cut from a newspaper some months back. His only light has been a half burnt candle.

According to one clandestine observer who has since fled to the West, Osama has been heard muttering affectionate words to the picture. He has been seen kissing the photograph, sometimes passionately. One clandestine observer has sworn to intelligence debriefers that he had witnessed what must surely be an erection on the leader of al Qaeda, as he ogled the photograph.

Usually reliable sources especially close to French intelligence, have stated that the real reason that Osama bin Laden suddenly appeared to be much younger was that he had dyed his beard “black,” hoping to impress the object of his fiery passion. For this reason, anonymous insiders in the American & Israeli intelligence condominium realized that the object of his love must be someone likely to see Osama’s picture. If she was impressed by his youthful vigor, then she might signal to him that “she’s ready.”

Who was this mystery lady? According to the “turned Osama confidant,” who had sneaked a peek into Osama’s bedroom-in-a-cave, she was none other than Condoleezza Rice, U.S. Secretary of State.

According to highly placed State Department officials, the brainy beauty had been quoted as stating that she thought that Osama was “dreamy” and “a real hunk.” These same sources had been aware that Miss Rice was quietly working to arrange a private meeting with Osama in a neutral cave to discuss peace. Anonymous wags have dubbed it, “The Love Cave.”

FNP: STORKING THE WHITE HOUSE

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, D.C.:

Among seasoned newshounds working the White House beat, there have been many tense discussions during the last year of the George W. Bush Administration. The focus of these discussions has been Condoleezza Rice, the former Secretary of State.
For most Americans the whole matter was totally unknown. Many journalists were unaware of the issue. What are we talking about?

Let's just say that FNP has been "storking the White House" for more than a year. What got us "twittering" at the Bushes? Diapers!

FNP has been able to establish beyond doubt that the Bush Administration had tried to dispose of incriminating diaper evidence through clandestine means. The C.I.A. was used to launder the many soiled diapers that had been collected by the Secret Service and held under seal in a room in the basement of the White House. Why?

After many months of digging, FNP newshounds were able to eliminate everyone but Condoleezza Rice and President Bush. FNP's executives made the decision that this story was too big to bury. We put some very good reporters on this assignment.
About one year before the Bush Administration passed the baton to President-Elect Obama, many Washington journalists and camera-carters began to talk about "Condi's weight gain." There was a blossoming of weight about her waist that continued for several months. Then, suddenly, the Secretary of State vanished. Her whereabouts could not be learned, even by the closest of State Department beat reporters.

FNP had even written a brief column speculating that she had gone to the Middle East to arrange a meeting in a suitably neutral cave between President Bush and Osama bin Laden. This was about the time that candidate Barack Obama was visiting Pakhistan, also seeking a meeting with the al Qaeda chieftain.

As suddenly as Secretary Condoleezza Rice had vanished from official Washington, she reappeared. In truth, only several days were involved. When she surfaced, it was at the State Department, where she was seen greeting diplomatic figures from Saudi Arabia. What amazed the reporters covering this beat was that she was so thin. She was as thin as ... as ... well, as old Condoleezza Rice had been. This was a real headscratcher for journalists.

Further, FNP had learned from an old friend in Texas, who requested anonymity, that there was talk among Texas newshounds that W. was "up to something" with Condi. The word was that Condi would arrive in a long, black limousine on a Friday night at the W. ranch in Crawford. No one would see her or W. again until the long, black limousine reappeared on Sunday night. Condoleezza Rice would quickly dart into the limousine, and it would then speed away.

FNP agreed with our Texas friend that there was a story here. We ramped up our investigation, and made it known around Washington that we were interested in any sound contribution to our effort. We were known to be generous to our friends. And we never divulged our sources.

We got two quick breaks. According to a usually reliable source covering the social side of Washington for a well-known magazine, there had been a private gathering in north Georgetown. She had been invited. When she got to the gathering, she noticed the Bush daughters, who, she reported, were feeling no pain. She overheard one say to the other: "This beats changing W.C.'s diapers." At the time she puzzled over what she had heard. It did not seem to make sense.

Next came the mysterious envelope. With FNP's reputation it - the envelope - didn't really surprise our executives in retrospect. However, at the time there was that tingle of anticipation. Someone had stuck an envelope through our "after-hours" delivery slot at the office. FNP would later learn that a Secret Service Agent had provided the envelope.

It was our assistant researcher, Dollie Daugherty, who picked up the envelope and opened it as she went to her desk. She told her peers at FNP that she was astonished to see a picture of a baby. Searching the envelope, she discovered a small note that said: "My Daddy's in the White House." It was signed "W.C."

After the executives at FNP saw it, bells began to ring. The decision was made to redouble our efforts. That was when we found that the going was getting tough. We pressed as hard as we dared but could not unravel the strange string of events.

Other strange events followed.

Secretary of State Rice had become the "toast of the town" after she had met with Osama bin Laden in a cave in Pakhistan. Their "frank" discussions over three days had been intense, with reporters covering the event testifying in stories printed in world-class newspaper that they were alone for extended periods of time. They said that from time to time they could hear what seemed to be shouting or crying from both.

Curiously, pundits back in Washington observed that Condi was gaining weight again. It was dismissed as too much "wining & dining" at diplomatic galas which were nearly daily events in Washington, as well as many other places. Seasoned reporters noted how such "partying" had ruined the health of William Jefferson Clinton.
After Barack Obama became President-Elect, the transition teams began to work for a smooth change of players. Secretary Rice, who became very obese during the last month of W.'s presidency, was a leader of this transition period. She almost lived at the White House during this period.

FNP watched these events closely. Two more pieces of journalistic luck occurred that helped us unravel the mystery. One, when President Bush and First Lady Laura turned over the White House to Barack and Michelle Obama, Condoleezza Rice was present. What got FNP's attention was that she was quite thin. She seemed to glow. She looked fit and happy.

Many journalists conceded that she had a tough job which she did very well indeed. Naturally, handing over the responsibilities must have taken a great burden from her shoulders. Of course, she would be happy.

However, at FNP journalistic antennae were raised high. Then, the second event occurred. The Obama Administration was only a few days beyond a month in power. We got a call from a very high contact at the C.I.A., who told us to look for a package in a trash can on the street corner one block away. He told us to look for one marked "W.C.'s unwanteds."

This message was too curious not to investigate. Many of our older reporters recalled the "Deep Throat" period of journalism. Only recently was the identity of "Deep Throat" discovered to be Bernadine Dorhn, who had been introduced to the Graham family by Ms. Squeaky Fromme, who acted at the behest of Ms. Patty Hearst.

As a matter of fact, FNP honcho, Anthony Eaglewolf, went to the designated trash can and dug for the described envelope. Both surprised and relieved, he brought the envelope back unopened. It was large and more of a package than envelope. The message written on it was in black marker ink.

Back at the FNP office he set the package on a table. A dozen newshounds gathered about it. Anthony opened it with a small box-opening knife. The moment it opened, it emitted a dreadful odor. Anthony dumped its contents on the table. A small mound of Pampers were suddenly formed. We photographed the evidence. Then Anthony Eaglewolf ordered reporters and photographers to begin a general search of trash cans near the White House, looking for packages that were identical to the one just opened. That night a score of trash cans yielded packages of Pampers.
There was a new mystery that was born that night. Some of the packages were marked "W.C.'s" but others were marked "O.C.'s." The staff at FNP looked at each other. What do these initials mean? Something strange was going on!

Not two days had passed, when once again, Dollie Daugherty noticed an intriguing envelope in FNP's delivery slot. It looked just like the odd envelope that had had the picture that stirred up the FNP brass. She picked it up and went to her desk. She opened it. She removed a photo that had a small note stuck to it. It read: "My 'Daddy's' in the White House." It was almost the same message she had read before. Yet, there was a different signature. This message was signed "O.C." She looked at the picture. It was not the same baby. There was a new baby picture. She hurried to the executive offices at the top of the FNP Building.

A few FNP executives were meeting in a large chamber to discuss, as it happened, the strange events at the White House. Dollie burst into the room. Although a bit annoyed at first, one look at Dollie and they knew it was important. She handed one of them the envelope with the picture and note. The contents were soon revealed to the gathered news mavens.

One of them, Jasper Bain, looked triumphantly at the others and said: "The mystery at the White House is solved. Gentlemen, I present to you another love-child in the White House. We have a case of the same hole but different poles!"

FNP has made several efforts to interview Condoleezza Rice, Osama bin Laden and W. None have returned our telephone calls. The Obama White House has refused to affirm or deny the presence of love-children at the White House. Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel has indicated to the press that his lips were sealed.

FNP: SCIENTISTS SEE NEW KID ON THE BLOCK

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

A small but growing segment of the scientists specializing in Physical Anthropology, Forensic Anthropology, Comparative Anatomy, Evolutionary Biology, Ethnology, Gene Ontology, and Sociology and Unified Cultural Speciology believe that “man” and “ape” are essentially the same thing. Therefore, they believe that modern taxonomy should reflect this likeness, as opposed to distinctions. This movement generally deplores human ethnocentrism as “bad science” and essentially “racist.”

“Lookee,” said Professor Morris Goodman of Wayne State University’s School of Medicine in Detroit, “Humans are like 2010 Mercedes Benz, while chimps are like 2007 models. We are basically the same car.”

Professor Goodman led a team of scientists who analyzed published sequences of 97 genes on six “apes,” including chimps, gorillas, orangutans and man. These researchers discovered that 99.4 % of the key DNA sites (collectively, 90,000 base pairs – “genetic letters”) that code for proteins were shared among humans and chimps. The other apes are almost as close. The logical implication of his data is that there is only one true “Homo.” All should be placed in the same Genus, whether it is termed “Homo” or “Pan.”

Among contemporary, living apes only humans are placed in the category of “Homo.” This has been the case since modern taxonomy was defined by the famous Swedish scientist, Carl Linnaeus, in Systemae Naturae, published in 1735. Johann Friedrich Blumenbach had proposed a new taxonomy in 1795, but it retained Linnaeus’ human priority and distinction from the Ape category.

Georgetown University Professor Stanley Blatzberg-Harriman has drolly categorized these early taxonomists as “jive-turkey Europeans.”

On occasion FNP has noted articles carried by other news media in which the suggestion was made that chimps and man be classified as “Homo.” The logic of such articles seemed to be that chimps should not be incarcerated in zoos, but rather these “brothers” should be attending usual human institutions such as churches, synagogues, lodges, schools, et cetera. There should be equal opportunity for all humans (or apes) in the workplace, and they should have equal access to public facilities.

“Separate-but-equal concepts of law among humans has been declared unconstitutional,” declared Professor Amery Stern-Morgan of Harvard University’s School of Law. “Should scientists determine that chimps and other apes share 99.4% of the same DNA architecture as humans, what court would deny their humanity?”

According to FNP’s researcher on this issue, the figure of 99.4% shared genes, used by the Goodman team, differed from other studies.

For example, the Roy J. Brutten team, using a different approach, arrived at a figure of 95% correspondence between chimp and human genomes. Still another study by Tatsuya Ansai and his team, again using a different approach, arrived at 86.7% correspondence. Still, other media have used the figure of 97%, when featuring this issue.

For our readers to better understand this problem, FNP offers a caveat. When Linnaeus created his taxonomy, he used the word “species,” which was derived from the Latin word for “to see.” Hence, what was visible to the eye as a significant difference became a defining categorical niche. However, in private Linnaeus apparently questioned his own division of Man from Ape. One reason for his decision was “fear of clergy.”

Clearly, the issue of difference would be argued, due to its subjectivity, even when facts were set forth to offer justification. Due to human bias, this had a prevailing effect of human ethnocentrism and superiority.

However, when the technology advanced in optics, et al, to see “the world within,” opinion among scientists began to radically drift away from ordinary humans. They immersed themselves in an otherwise “strange land.” Their predominant link to the ordinary human’s world became weaker and more tenuous. A kind of contempt for the “vulgarity” of every-day people arose.



Scientist, such as Professor Irv Davis of Stanford University, proclaimed that the distinction between humans and chimps was basically “cultural.” He stated, “Maybe if the chimps would send us a Peace Corps, humans could be uplifted from their vain modes of thinking. At Stanford we are attempting to develop a chimp pedagogy specifically trained to teach humans.”

Famed British physicist, Richard Dawkins, decried the “discontinuous mind” which tries to impose inflexible, inaccurate definitions to non-discreet phenomena. “How,” he wondered, “Can science accept a decorative distinction between waffles and pancakes as permanent?”

FNP reports, but our function does not include defining forms of life. If a chimp becomes a governor or senator, we will judge him by his deeds – not by whether he has “poster boy” good-looks or comes from a rich family. As the poet Robert Burns wrote: “A man’s a man for all that.” FNP might well add: “An ape’s an ape for all that.”