FNP: PREZ OBAMA "OKAYS" CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

 

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

NEWS BRIEF

Sources close to the president have leaked to selective media outlets that President Obama has reached a definitive position on capital punishment in federal cases. FNP was told that the president’s choice will likely be the standard in all the states of the Union within two years.

FNP’s man at the White House, Freddy O’Dunne, advised FNP that the president had been concerned about this issue for years. Barack Obama had never been a proponent of capital punishment prior to achieving his goal of being the president of the United States. Now, he felt it was the proper time to commit America to the kind of change he had promised from the outset of his run for the top office in the land. 

Although President Obama had put this issue on the back-burner as he dealt with the many thorny issues besetting America, the several recent episodes in which people on the “death beds” in the execution chambers in penal facilities in various states of the Union having to endure thirty minutes to an hour or more of suffering, as the poisonous cocktails of chemicals worked through and wrecked the victims’ bodies, was too much. “There has got to be a better way,” one highly placed source at the White House heard President Obama mutter to VP Biden.

Furthermore, President Obama and Vice President Biden sat together and watched film of recent horrors in the Middle East, including beheadings and brutal firearm executions. When the president viewed the execution of the Jordanian pilot who had been placed in a pen and set afire, he was appalled and wept openly at his inability to help the poor man. “Never again will America be party to cruel executions,” he told Mr. Biden and his staff.

According to the briefing that the White House gave Freddy O’Dunne and other White House newshounds, the president had reached an understanding with all the governors in all the states of the Union to follow federal guidelines on the execution of convicts. 

The federal guidelines call upon each convict sentenced to death for a particularly heinous crime to be taken to a “Capital Punishment Hospice House,” which would be established at each designated facility in which capital punishment events were scheduled to occur. At these “hospices” the convicts would experience “freedom within confinement.” 

The chemicals used to cause the premature death of each convict so housed would be introduced daily in a pleasant, even enjoyable fashion. Each convict “jailed” in these facilities would be provided a menu of possible choices. Three times a day the chemicals would be introduced into the convict’s body – usually by himself, if physically able. He was free to choose the same item for each meal or order something different on each occasion. The only restriction was that it must be an item listed on the menu. Expert medical opinion indicated that the poisons would take from six weeks to three months to produce irreparable toxic damage to a convict’s body, rapid systemic failures and death.

Each federal execution “hospice” facility would be staffed with nurses. A qualified physician would visit the facility at least once a week. These visits would be more frequent, as a convict’s health deteriorated. Also, a physician would be available on a 24/7 basis for emergency events.

The Department of Justice would be delegated to operate the convict hospices through its Bureau of Prisons. Former Attorney General Eric Holder had signed an agreement with McDonald’s to provide the items on the menu, which would reflect 90% of their typical food offerings, excluding mostly experimental food items. The current Attorney General, Ms. Lynch, has indicated to FNP that she intends to follow through on the Holder Initiatives, pursuant to President Obama’s General Order for Humane Executions.

FNP applauds all federal, state and local efforts at humane treatment of “wards of the state” whose well-being depends on the guardianship of relevant governmental agents. A special nod of appreciation from us to President Obama and former AG Holder for assuming leadership in this often overlooked area of society.

FNP: PENTAGON EYEZ SHARK ATTACKS

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

 Gurli Gur

NEWS BRIEF

As most FNP readers know from media accounts, there have been an unprecedented number of shark attacks on people enjoying the Atlantic Ocean waters lapping against the pleasant Carolina coast. To date, seven people have been attacked. They have ranged in age from adolescent to senior citizen. Usually, the victim has not been in deep water, but rather they were attacked in waist-deep waters.

Because of the number of attacks, politicians have not been able to ignore them and cover-ups had become increasingly unrealistic as the numbers grew. Therefore, political authorities in North and South Carolina have reached to scholarly authorities at local universities for analysis of the underlying causes of these hateful crimes against humanity.

These attacks have been a blow to the “Sharks Are Our Friends” Movement, which tries to understand sharks and “see things their way.” A spokesperson for National Association for the Advancement of the Shark Community, Regis Darnwell, advised FNP that “sharks like humans but fear them as well, because humans have killed so many of them in the past.” He continued, “Rest assured that something has forced the sharks close to the shore. When they see human legs and arms underwater, they panic, believing that they are under attack. They want to be left alone but will defend themselves when threatened.”

FNP inquired of Connie Rae Swazzlestern, Liaison to the Department of Beach Mishaps in the Governor’s Executive Offices of North Carolina, if authorities had identified a cause for the “Sudden Shark Syndrome” that has afflicted the Carolina coastal waters, which she could share with the press? She referred FNP to local shark expert, Dr. Newton Phigge, head of the Oceanography and Marine Sciences Department at the University of North Carolina.

After contacting Dr. Phigge, FNP learned that the unprecedented number of shark attacks was a function of human-shark proximity which science expressed by the formula: B + S = S. “In other words,” observed Dr. Phigge, “the equality of conservation of matter and energy is maintained in the relationship, although there may be a transfer among the integers plus or minus.”

FNP noted that the transfer of matter might not be equally welcomed, especially from the human side of the equation. We asked the renowned oceanographer what could be causing the sharks to “head for the beach” in unheard of numbers this summer, and he replied, “There exists a high probability that the sharks cannot find adequate food further out to sea or that they have reacted to something further out that they fear and from which they have fled.”

When FNP inquired what might be the cause of either of these options, Dr. Phigge responded, “The advent of large fishing ships that are capable of netting many tons of food fish could have tipped the Carolina ocean waters in the direction of ‘fish famine,’ i.e., waters barren of fish. Other possibilities exist for the creation of fish famine,” he noted. “Scientists are testing water PH, fungi levels, pollutants, and even the presence of deep sea monsters.”

FNP noted the last possibility and asked for further elaboration of the “fear scenario.” We asked this famous authority what in the world – sea world – could create fear in a shark, which most everyone believes to be the most terrible thing in the ocean?

Replying, Dr. Phigge said, “There is one marine creature that sharks fear; it is Orca.”

FNP interrupted him, inquiring, “You mean the ‘Killer Whale?’”

“Exactly!” responded Dr. Phigge. “They eat sharks. The Orca whale is a mammal, as are humans. However, unlike humans, they have no love for sharks.” Chuckling, Dr. Phigge observed, “Except in the sense that humans love hamburgers.”

FNP thanked the renowned oceanographers for his explanations, advising him that FNP planned on doing an article on the Carolina shark attacks and would be citing him, as well as others. “Feel free!” he counselled.

In discussing this article among ourselves, one of FNP’s top newshounds, Andy LeRoy, recalled talking several months ago to Drat Johnson, our man covering the Levant, and learning that the Israelis were fairly rapidly expanding their submarine fleet. Furthermore, as part of its unending burden of reparations to the Israelis, Germany had been providing high-tech submarines capable of firing nuclear-bomb-tipped missiles. Andy LeRoy was certain that Drat Johnson had said that the Israelis had given this class of potentially nuclear-bomb-tipped, missile-bearing submarines the categorical name of “Orca.”

The staff at FNP was stunned, as we all suddenly grasped the enormity of this data.

Andy LeRoy agreed to check this cascade of converging information with usually reliable sources in the Pentagon.

Here is what Andy discovered. The Pentagon was well-aware of the strengthening of Israel’s (sic) Navy with a wide range of submarines which were tasked with a variety of assignments. Further, they were aware of the new nuclear class submarines, known as “Orca,” and knew that they were armed with multi-missiles and that these missiles could be fitted with nuclear-tipped warheads.

When Andy LeRoy inquired if these “Orca” submarines could be patrolling the East Coast of the United States, this Pentagon source refused to comment. “That is a ‘Top Secret’ classification,” he advised. “The Pentagon is aware of their presence. We are trying to find out precisely where they are. I can say no more.”

Disappointed by the “stonewalling” by even usually reliable sources at the Pentagon, Andy reported to top FNP executives what he had learned. A decision was made to seek additional information from FNP friends in Israel. Specifically, Drat Johnson was instructed to quietly seek out Israeli media superstar, Gurli Gur, who had helped FNP with information on several occasions.

When Drat reported back that Mr. Gur had been very helpful, FNP was elated. Here is what Drat Johnson learned from the best secular source in Israel.

Indeed, the Israeli Navy received several high-tech submarines from Germany, as a kind of barter payment in the way of reparations arising from the “holocaust” (sic). The Israeli Navy would receive additional submarines in the future, based on this German obligation. The first series of Orca-class submarines would be taken to a top secret Israeli Navy base, the location of which even Gurli Gur could not discover. However, Mr. Gur’s sources have revealed that the Orca-class submarines were going to be given a “body makeover.”

By this Gurli Gur was given to understand that the Israelis were “tweaking” the appearance of the Orcas to appear to be Orcas. To accomplish this dramatic façade makeover, Israeli Defense Forces secured the services of some of the greatest Hollywood “special effects” companies. These companies agreed to supply vetted Jewish experts, to which the IDF would issue “Top Security” credentials, and these experts would take a leave-of-absence from their companies and move to Israel. Once there, they would live at this unknown secret naval base while accomplishing the desired special effect: a nuclear-armed submarine that appeared to be a normal Orca whale.

FNP decided to approach some of its Pentagon sources again. After repeated attempts to break through the “stonewalling” by fearful high Pentagon sources, Andy LeRoy, strictly on the basis of “not for attribution” confidentiality, was able to get information from an officer who was highly placed in the U.S. Office of the Navy. This officer advised FNP that a secret treaty had been signed with the Israelis which had assigned all coastal submarine patrolling to the Israeli Navy. In effect, the Israelis were being paid to provide security for the United States East Coast seaways.

When Andy LeRoy brought this news to the staff at FNP, there was shock but also recognition. Had not Israeli companies been contracted by Homeland Security or some other agency to provide security along the United States-Mexican border? Who really knew how many Israeli companies or governmental units were contracted by the United States authorities to “protect” some portion of American territory?

Everyone at FNP had instantly understood that giant Israeli submarines, disguised as Orca whales, patrolling the Carolina coastal waters would scare the deep-water sharks into a panicky “stampede” to get as close to the shore as they could get. Once there, the sharks might find an insufficiency of fish food, and some of them might then attack humans in the water.

Once again, FNP was forced to ponder George Lord Byron’s comment to the effect that “Truth is stranger than fiction.” To our readers, we will continue to dig into the implications of this marine mystery.