MONEY AND DEMONSTRATIONS

There may be a tie-in between the "Arab Spring" and the "Wall Street Camp-In," as the dialectic is still favored by Pan-Western Marxist. The leading Bilderberger group is still pressing for a meaningful world government. To be meaningful, such a government must issue its own money through a central bank. It must also be able to tax the people of the world. To be a successful tax-gathering government, it would need a group of "break-legs" to enforce the tax code. Therefore, the world government must have broad police powers. Just in case of revolt among the soon -to-be oppressed people, it would also need a military force.

Now, there are a phalanx of comrade associations to the Bilderbergers, but for convenience sake, I will let them stand for all the Western "liberal" elite.

Since debt is the only way a minority can control the teeming masses, the money issued by the new world government would be based on debt. The central bank would be privately held by unidentifiable owners. Its ledgers would not be available for public inspection. The world government would request a certain amount of money from the central bank, and the central bank would readily agree, but it would insist on collateral. The world government would agree and issue bonds, guaranteed by the labor of the citizens of the world government. A potential slave state is at once engendered. The elite get richer as they engineer "boom & bust" cycles.

Let us awaken from this "paradisial dream" of the elites for a moment.

I believe that it is apparent to the Bilderberger group that they can create the conditions for their dream becoming true by dragging out and even worsening the depressed economies of the world. In this scheme economists and other experts would testify that the problem is caused by the passe' system of national central banks and national economies. The stage of nation-states has been outgrown by global economic evolution, yet still remains perversely to thwart human potential.

The solution? We must shed the old skin of the nation-man so as to become our destined global-man. We must have world government. [See above for key aspects.]

If you listen to the complaints of the demonstrators at Wall Street, then you will not hear much meaningful commentary. Statements of personal hardships don't speak to the problem. To inveigh against "bank greed" or "corporate greed" will not meet the needs of the times. To announce that the whole economic system needs to be changed, however generally correct, does not address the specific need of our time.

We should maintain our national system. However, money creation and banking should be significantly changed. Using the United States as a stand-in for all nations, the United States should immediately establish its own national bank - The United States Bank, N.A. This bank would provide a checking account for each citizen. There would be no savings accounts or debt instruments issues by the government. ATMs for this bank would be readily available. Using Eminent Domain power, existing private banking facilities may be co-opted initially to house the national bank. All national payments would be made through these bank facilities.

The money for the nation would be created at a specially established unit within the Department of the Treasury. Parameters would be established for a proper sum of currency for the U.S. population and productivity. Treasury would direct the Bureau of the Mint to create the dollars in the form of interest-free Treasury Notes. These moneys would be used to pay federal workers and contractors for services rendered. They would be used to pay Social Security and Medicare, etc. Other money would be created to buy assets such as new highways, bridges, dams, etc. or to improve existing assets in the forms of highways, bridges, dams, etc.

Nationally owned, or newly purchased, assets would be accounted in the nation's books as assets. When the United States spent money to acquire these assets, it would be getting richer. The idea of government wasteful spending would be converted to wealth-building. The government would invest through its banks in housing for employed citizens, buying a house for a goven citizen and then renting-to-own the property to the contracting citizen. The house would be an asset for the government, which over time would be transferred to the citizen at the agreed to cost of purchase. Of course, there would be no interest charged the citizen.

The same principle should apply to government investing through its bank in likely small businesses. Newly designed and engineered electric cars might be developed by entrepreneurs, which the government might invest in, after careful consideration. I don't believe that any international corporation should be invested in. In fact, domestic only companies shoulds pay no tax at all.

Nor would there be any income tax. Excise taxes would be available for user fees, as in highways. Each vehicle would carry a shield which could be recognized by laser, or other beam, attached to "toll poles" placed along the highways , bridges, etc. Usage fees would automatically be withdrawn from the owners checking account and transferred to the government account.

The same principle might apply to dry goods, foods, clothing, etc. I don't believe that basic food such as bread and milk should be taxed.

Further, as part of the government's duty to regulate commerce, it should "make a market" in all commodities at slight mark-ups. Each farmer, herder, lumberman, miner, etc., would get a guaranteed fair price. Entrepreneurs requiring raw materials to construct or prepare a product would buy the goods from the government storage depots, which would be established in all sections of the country.

The goverrnment should also operate the utilities, unless the states choose to operate one or more. However, in all cases the national government would operate nuclear facilities. It would require each existent and all new plants to be "fail-safe" - rather than based on budget or profit considerations. Only the government has the money to see that the work is done correctly. These would be assets. Fees would be charged for electricity from nuclear energy.

New highways would be built with the idea of taking advantage of this nuclear energy capacity by establishing lighted highways, well-conceived oases for rest, food and either recharging electric vehicles or swapping them at rental agencies, which the government might choose to operate, etc.

There is much of an absolutely booming sort that can be done. Never again need people suffer from "booms and busts," as the national money could not implode. Well managed, it would never explode either. However, it would annihilate the $14 trillion dollars in debt of the U.S. in reasonably short time. Wall Street would be needed no more.

Tariffs would be imposed upon all products foreign interests and international corporations desired to sell in the United States. The tariffs would be calculated to offset wage differentials betwen the U.S. and another country, such as China. These funds might be earmarked for the Social Security/Medicare requirements. Incidentally, no longer would Social Security funds be placed in the general revenue account and spent like ordinary tax revenue. These funds would be protected from Congress by law.

All trade treaties/agreements would be nullified. The U.S. would treat every foreign state equally, but it would never treat one as if it were a member of the national Union.

A new "foreign dollar" based on commodities would be created to deal with our trading partners.

All American troops would be returned to the U.S.A. Foreign nations wanting to rent U.S. military units could do so, based on carefully designed rules. These would be voluntary mercenary units drawn from within the U.S. military and the National Guard. [Optional aspect of the renewed American economy].

This outline is only the beginning to a great future.

IT TAKES ALL KINDS TO MAKE A MALL

The Mall in Washington, D.C. is a living kind of place. It attracts all manner of people. Indeed, it honors all manner of people. At one end is the U.S. Capitol, in which any person, assuming he can get through security, will have the opportunity to see the chamber of the U.S. House of Representatives or that of the U.S. Senate. At the far end of the Mall – just beyond the Lincoln Memorial – is the Potomac River. In between are a variety of museums and memorials to famous Founding Fathers, such as Washington and Jefferson.

As the times rolled by, demands arose for new memorials to honor a somewhat different order of worthy. Instead of memorials to outstanding historical figures of this nation’s past, a new, martial trend was discerned. There was constructed a Memorial Wall to Veterans of the Vietnam War. Later, there was constructed a Memorial to the Veterans of the Korean War.

In these latter two memorials there seemed to be a new trend of honoring the people in a more general way, as opposed to its leaders. Both memorials have been popular, receiving many visitors.I have the impression that there may be plans to build memorials to World War I & World War II, also. Of course, the Holocaust Memorial, aka, “the Haunted House,” is about a half block away from the Mall. If the world war projects go forward, the United States would seemingly be on the Roman road of war triumphs and honors. The memorials to the veterans of the two Iraqi wars plus Afghanistan may be just off stage awaiting a cue.

The original idea of an open sward between U.S. Capitol and the White House has long ago been subsumed by institutional erudition and vanity. Modern political correctness, aka, cultural Marxism, demands a return to overblown images of movement heroes. The memorial to the late Martin Luther King will probably be the first of these. If American leadership holds true to form, then subsequent memorials to Latino movement heroes would seem to be a certainty. I foresee a memorial to the American Indian on the Mall. Certainly, Asians will also find a memorial representation in an as yet uncertain hero.

The time may soon arrive when sunshine cannot find its way to the Mall for all the memorials.

As for myself, I’d prefer to see a new site obtained to honor various wars & warriors and various movement heroes. Haines Point might be such a site. Roosevelt Island might also be a suitable site, after securing it from flooding. Another possibility would be eminent domain expropriation for this purpose. One possibility would be the land east of the Supreme Court between East Capitol and Independence Avenue SE. It could extend all the way to the parking areas of RFK Stadium.

Although most people might not care for this idea, I also believe that the Maryland land south of National Harbor overlooking the Potomac River would be a likely spot.

At any rate we have travelled a long way from the practical reasoning of George Washington and the artistic reasoning of Thomas Jefferson to the Marxism-Baalism of modern American leadership. For many the Mall has become the New National Laboratory where we create our strength through honoring our diversity.

Will there be confusion through diversity on the Mall? Who can say? No one in America has a clear head any more. Well, almost none.

Note: Persistent hacking by an nest of molesters makes uniformity of text size and font difficult. It is the price of talent that the feckless nerd can only mar the appearance of words.

NATS CHANGE MANAGER

Why did the Nats not deal with Jim Riggleman?

This was a question arising from the revelations following the resignation of Riggleman. The answer may be found in the words of Lord Byron, "Truth is stranger than fiction." Here - at last - are the real facts of the matter.

The Lerner family has a "thing" about syllables that is founded upon the family's deep interest in numerology. The number "2" is profoundly important to them. There are two syllables in "Lerner." There are two syllables in "Rizzo." BUT, there are three syllables in "Riggleman." This created unbearable tension in the Lerner operation.

General Manager Rizzo was well aware of the Lerner's disapproval of the 3-syllabled Riggleman. To keep the faith with them, Rizzo kept Riggleman feeling like a "temp" who was barely needed.

Things got so bad around the Nats' executive office that the Lerners would spit each time the 3-syllabled Riggleman's name was uttered.

Fully understanding the untenable situation, Rizzo looked about for options. At his side most days was Davey Johnson, who possessed the proper number of syllables to be acceptable to the Lerner family. Since he was already - sort of - a member of the Nats family, his appointment would not rankle any of the team.

This was important because the Nats had won 11-of-12 games under Riggleman. A team always has to respect superstition among its players. If an outsider were brought in, then team players might worry that their "rythmn" had been affected. Since Davey Johnson was a well-known, seasoned manager, as well as a member of the Nats "team," Rizzo made the decision to replace the awkward, 3-syllabled Riggleman, believing that it was a safe one. The Lerner family would welcome Johnson. There would be peace, harmony and - most importantly - numerological correctness at Nats headquarters.

This is the real story - believe it or not!

FNP: MICHELLE ANNOUNCES FARM EXPANSION

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

NEWS BRIEFS

FNP has learned from sources within the White House that First Lady Michelle Obama has obtained a five-year, renewable lease on a certain verdant section of the Mall. According to our source, her purpose is to expand her share-cropping program on the White House lawn, which gave Washington, D.C. children an opportunity to work in the field as many of their ancestors did.

The First Lady’s success with children share-croppers has encouraged her to expand the scope of her experimental garden. The demand for White House veggies far exceeded the available produce. Michelle has vowed not to “tax” away the children’s share so as to meet this unexpected demand from all across the globe. Requests from Buckingham Palace and the Imperial Palace of Japan, as well as the Vatican, indicate the scope of the demand for White House veggies.

Needless to say, the price of White House veggies has “sky-rocketed” in the face of this demand. However, at this time there has been no move to regulate these commodities by any agency. FNP has heard rumors that some of the share-cropper children have hired agents to handle their shares of the veggies.

Therefore, with the advice and consent of President Obama, the First Lady quietly explored the possibility of using suitable Mall land. After weeks of discussion among White House staffers and those of Capitol Hill figures, as well as certain Executive Departments, the “green light” was given to the use of Mall land near the White House south lawn.

At this time First Lady Michelle Obama is working with staffers to increase the opportunities of becoming a White House share-cropper for all American kids. Further, a program to bring in foreign children as guest share-croppers is being considered.

One anonymous newshound has ventured to guess that, if Michelle Obama continued to whirl peas at this rate, she may well join her husband, Barack, as a Nobel Prize winner.

FNP: EARLY MAO OPERA DISCOVERED

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, D.C.:

NEWS BRIEF

FNP has learned that German musicologists have discovered a vault in China that contained a collection of Mao Tze-Tung memorabilia from his post-college years preceding the communist revolution that overturned the Masonic republic. In these years Mao was developing his Marxist views.

Surprisingly, Mao Tze-Tung first intellectual love appeared to be opera. He clearly studied the Italian and French masters, as there were very early attempts at opera creation in the Italian style. However, melody was not as important a musical inspiration for Mao as discordance. Even in these early years after college, Mao appeared to love the clash of marching sounds in combat furious.

The German expert, Professor Esau Kochen, who led the team of musical experts that examined the first vault, expressed the view that Mao was not so much a musical genius as a musical general. He stated that Mao’s early works were instructive in developing a better understanding of his evolving socialist world-view.

As an example of one of the early Mao operas, Professor Kochen cited “Revolutionary Peasant-Farmers Rise Up and Smash the Capitalist Pig Peasant-Farmers.” According to the professor, this opera, using broad, clashing movements of discordant sounds, captured the essential elements later realized as the Cultural Revolution. This was formative work by the young Marxist giant. However, it contained the essential Mao dictum: “The high C alone is Bonapartist.”

FNP has been advised by German sources close to the Kochen group that the German team, including Dr. Heim Hirsh, Professor Helen Roth, and the Russian expatriot, Dr. Ivan Putinshtern, have been invited to spend the next three years in China as guests of the People’s Republic. The Chinese Cultural Minister, Ju-Man Nao, had advised them that there were many suspected “Mao vaults” hidden throughout China. He said that unknown cultural richness only awaited its being discovered to perhaps “change the world with Mao’s songs.”

FNP: DONNYBROOK AT WHITE HOUSE GALA

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

Normally, the White House is an oasis of pomp and circumstance. However, according to usually reliable sources, that was not the case at a recent gala. President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle had decided to honor television celebrities with a Night at the White House tribute. Many well-known names attended. All was proceeding swimmingly, sources confirm.

The seating arrangement was such as to place at the same table several people, one of which was our anonymous source. She is a well-known figure in local television. According to her, Joan Rivers, Vince McMahon, and Sally Jesse Raphael were seated opposite her and in that order. At her left side and opposite them were special guests of the Obamas – Bill and Bernadine Dohrn Ayers, who are lawyer types, rather than television personalities, per se.

After several rounds of champagne and wine which were served during the fete, the mood was apparently carefree and chatty.

At the outset President Obama had given a welcoming speech, and he singled out Joan Rivers for this year’s “Michelle Award” for her long career in television. There was generally goodwill at the table where she sat. The Ayers both arose to embrace Joan Rivers, applauding her revolutionary humor. According to our source, Sally Jesse Raphael seemed inappropriately subdued, even disgruntled.

When they were all seated again, the smiling, merry mood seemed to continue. However, the friendliness distinctly changed soon after Vince McMahon turned to Sally Jesse Raphael and said: “Sally Jesse, next year will be your year.”

Joan Rivers looked shocked. Suddenly, the table was hushed. According to our source, at that very moment Bernadine Dohrn Ayers snapped at Vince: “Sally Jesse hasn’t grown like Joan has.” Bill Ayers added: “Joan has outgrown Sally Jesse. To give Sally Jesse the Michelle Award would degrade it.”

Vince appeared to be extremely uncomfortable.

Sally Jesse leaned forward, turning toward Joan Rivers, and said: “Joan, I’ll always remember you as you were – before the thousand operations. Michael Jackson told me a few years ago that you often used his plastic surgeons, and he marveled how you, as with him, had become a “makeover goddess.”

A look of outrage came over Joan Rivers.

Across the table Bernadine glared at Sally Jesse and said loudly: “Sally Jesse Raphael, when you are not held in contempt, you are laughed at as a talentless yenta. You should not even be seated at the same table as Joan Rivers!”

FNP was informed by our witness that Sally Jesse then rose from her seat and swung a fist at Bernadine, grazing her chin. Almost immediately after that, Joan Rivers leaped from her seat and circled behind Vince. She pulled Sally Jesse’s hair in a move which our source likened to a “back-shot.” Sally Jesse wield, clutching her hair for relief, and began clawing at Joan. Vince tried to separate the two, sustaining deep scratches to his face and hands. He was also bitten by Joan.

When this melee broke out, the Obamas were quickly escorted to safety. As our source pointed out, “who knew?” It might have been a madman.

Before the Ayers could circle around the table to help Joan, Marines and Secret Service Agents had reached the combatants and secured the scene. Order was restored. The antagonistic parties were separated.

Under the circumstances, President Obama felt that the gala night must now end. With grace and serenity he thanked all his guests and bade them “God’s speed.” It was time to “sign off.”
FNP contacted the White House Media Response Group to inquire about the strange reports bruited about, regarding the gala. We were told that one of the guests slipped while getting into a chair. Otherwise, the affair went as White House galas normally do.

FNP: WASHINGTON POST HOSTS MOGUL MARCH

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

FNP has learned that Donald Graham and Catharine Weymouth will host this years "March of the Moguls" under the banner of The Washington Post. This event has become an annual parade showcasing America's leading plutocrats.

The parade will begin at the home of The Washington Post, which is located in a building at 15th & L Streets, NW, Washington, D.C. From there it will proceed southward past the U.S. Treasury building. As the paraders proceed past this building, they will pause to hear a few words of welcome from President Obama and Secretary Tim Geithner.

According to sources high in the Obama Administration, each mogul will receive a $20 Double Eagle gold coin in mint condition as a gesture of "thanks" for all they have done for America. Due to unexpected hardship, Bernie Madoff will receive ten gold coins for services provided in past years.

After this presentation, the moguls will continue their march to the west lawn of the U.S. Capitol. They will be met by a combined assemblage of Senators and Representatives, who will listen respectfully as the moguls sing: "God Gave This Land To We."

After this exuberant songfest, the moguls will be treated to canapes and cocktails. Parked discreetly to the side of the Capitol grounds, scores of limousines will await the weary but merry moguls.

The parade will be led by Donald Graham, Warren Buffet and Catharine Weymouth. Following this trio will be: Walter Shorenstein (San Francisco), Richard Swig (San Francisco), Scott Seligman (Michigan), Martin Selig (Seattle), Jack Benaroya (Seattle), Arthur Cohen (Arlen Realty...), a Samuel J. Lefrak family representative (N.Y.C.), representatives of the Uris, Durst, Tishman, Rudin, Horowitz, Ravitch, Minskoff, Milstein families (N.Y.C.), Sol Goldman and Frederic Rose family representatives (N.Y.C.), Aaron Gural, Leo and Alexander Bing, the Reznicks, Fishers, Koeppels, Wiens, Cohens and Silverstein family representatives (N.Y.C.), Steven Gaines (The Hamptons), Ben Tobin, Jack Weiler, Frederic and Earle Mack (N.Y./N.J.), Aaron Ziegelman (N.Y.C.), Jerry Speyer, Bernard Mendik (N.Y.C.), Steven Green (N.Y.C.), Albert M. Greenfield (Philadelphia), the Hellman family (Los Angeles), the Sam Zell family (Chicago), Neil Bluhm, Judd Malkin, Philip Klutznik (Chicago), Robert Smith (D.C.), Robert Kogod (D.C.) the Haft family representative (D.C.), Mort Zuckerman (D.C.), Albert Abramson (D.C.), Ted Lerner (D.C.), Bernard and Carol Gewirz(D.C.), Robert Rosenthal (D.C.), Estelle Gelman (D.C.), Hermen Greenberg (D.C.), representatives of the Abe Polin family (D.C.), Myer and Adrienne Arsht Feldman (D.C.), Joel Meisel (D.C.), Barry Cohen (D.C.), Jerry Moore (Houston), David Mincberg (Houston), Laurence Hirsch (CEO of Centex), a representative of the Mark Goldweitz family (Boston), Jerome Rappaport (Boston), the Krupp family representative (Boston), Stephen Karp (Boston), Julian Cohen (D.C.), Bruce Beal (Boston), Steve Fishman (Boston), Ron Drucker (Boston), Dick Friedman (Boston), Alan Leventhal (Boston), Edwin Sidman (Boston), the representative of the Simon Konover family (N.E.), Richard Penzer (Pittsburgh), William Adler (Chicago), Jona Goldrich (L.A.), Abraham Lurie (L.A.),Mark Nathanson (L.A.), Craig Robins (Miami), Tony Goldman (N.Y.), John Price (Utah), Sally Barry (Denver), Jordan Perlmutter (Denver), Shaul Baruch (Denver), Phil and Harley Schrager (Omaha), Mort Friedman (Sacramento), Sheldon Solow (N.Y.C.), David Steiner (N.Y.C.), and many Canadian families, such as the Bronfman, Reichman, Munk, Mernick and Belzberg, who control vast properties in America, will send representatives. There are many other prominent moguls - not listed here - who will attend.

Donald Graham was overheard gloating about the march at a recent dinner with Emil and Warren at The Boss Lady. This posh restaurant in Georgetown, named after Katherine Meyer Graham, has become the spot for real power in America and in the world to have a "square meal" of pricey dishes, while plotting such things as control of Brazilian real estate. No wonder "regular" people can't get a seat at it.

Not to worry! FNP has many eyes that are happy to share the news about what they see.

FNP: OSAMA BIN LADEN IN LOVE?

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington,DC:


There has been a growing sentiment within intelligence circles in the West that Osama bin Laden has fallen in love. According to usually reliable sources working the intelligence beat, Osama has been lying awake at night on his bedding in a cave in Pakistan, staring at a small picture which he had cut from a newspaper some months back. His only light has been a half burnt candle.

According to one clandestine observer who has since fled to the West, Osama has been heard muttering affectionate words to the picture. He has been seen kissing the photograph, sometimes passionately. One clandestine observer has sworn to intelligence debriefers that he had witnessed what must surely be an erection on the leader of al Qaeda, as he ogled the photograph.

Usually reliable sources especially close to French intelligence, have stated that the real reason that Osama bin Laden suddenly appeared to be much younger was that he had dyed his beard “black,” hoping to impress the object of his fiery passion. For this reason, anonymous insiders in the American & Israeli intelligence condominium realized that the object of his love must be someone likely to see Osama’s picture. If she was impressed by his youthful vigor, then she might signal to him that “she’s ready.”

Who was this mystery lady? According to the “turned Osama confidant,” who had sneaked a peek into Osama’s bedroom-in-a-cave, she was none other than Condoleezza Rice, U.S. Secretary of State.

According to highly placed State Department officials, the brainy beauty had been quoted as stating that she thought that Osama was “dreamy” and “a real hunk.” These same sources had been aware that Miss Rice was quietly working to arrange a private meeting with Osama in a neutral cave to discuss peace. Anonymous wags have dubbed it, “The Love Cave.”

FNP: STORKING THE WHITE HOUSE

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, D.C.:

Among seasoned newshounds working the White House beat, there have been many tense discussions during the last year of the George W. Bush Administration. The focus of these discussions has been Condoleezza Rice, the former Secretary of State.
For most Americans the whole matter was totally unknown. Many journalists were unaware of the issue. What are we talking about?

Let's just say that FNP has been "storking the White House" for more than a year. What got us "twittering" at the Bushes? Diapers!

FNP has been able to establish beyond doubt that the Bush Administration had tried to dispose of incriminating diaper evidence through clandestine means. The C.I.A. was used to launder the many soiled diapers that had been collected by the Secret Service and held under seal in a room in the basement of the White House. Why?

After many months of digging, FNP newshounds were able to eliminate everyone but Condoleezza Rice and President Bush. FNP's executives made the decision that this story was too big to bury. We put some very good reporters on this assignment.
About one year before the Bush Administration passed the baton to President-Elect Obama, many Washington journalists and camera-carters began to talk about "Condi's weight gain." There was a blossoming of weight about her waist that continued for several months. Then, suddenly, the Secretary of State vanished. Her whereabouts could not be learned, even by the closest of State Department beat reporters.

FNP had even written a brief column speculating that she had gone to the Middle East to arrange a meeting in a suitably neutral cave between President Bush and Osama bin Laden. This was about the time that candidate Barack Obama was visiting Pakhistan, also seeking a meeting with the al Qaeda chieftain.

As suddenly as Secretary Condoleezza Rice had vanished from official Washington, she reappeared. In truth, only several days were involved. When she surfaced, it was at the State Department, where she was seen greeting diplomatic figures from Saudi Arabia. What amazed the reporters covering this beat was that she was so thin. She was as thin as ... as ... well, as old Condoleezza Rice had been. This was a real headscratcher for journalists.

Further, FNP had learned from an old friend in Texas, who requested anonymity, that there was talk among Texas newshounds that W. was "up to something" with Condi. The word was that Condi would arrive in a long, black limousine on a Friday night at the W. ranch in Crawford. No one would see her or W. again until the long, black limousine reappeared on Sunday night. Condoleezza Rice would quickly dart into the limousine, and it would then speed away.

FNP agreed with our Texas friend that there was a story here. We ramped up our investigation, and made it known around Washington that we were interested in any sound contribution to our effort. We were known to be generous to our friends. And we never divulged our sources.

We got two quick breaks. According to a usually reliable source covering the social side of Washington for a well-known magazine, there had been a private gathering in north Georgetown. She had been invited. When she got to the gathering, she noticed the Bush daughters, who, she reported, were feeling no pain. She overheard one say to the other: "This beats changing W.C.'s diapers." At the time she puzzled over what she had heard. It did not seem to make sense.

Next came the mysterious envelope. With FNP's reputation it - the envelope - didn't really surprise our executives in retrospect. However, at the time there was that tingle of anticipation. Someone had stuck an envelope through our "after-hours" delivery slot at the office. FNP would later learn that a Secret Service Agent had provided the envelope.

It was our assistant researcher, Dollie Daugherty, who picked up the envelope and opened it as she went to her desk. She told her peers at FNP that she was astonished to see a picture of a baby. Searching the envelope, she discovered a small note that said: "My Daddy's in the White House." It was signed "W.C."

After the executives at FNP saw it, bells began to ring. The decision was made to redouble our efforts. That was when we found that the going was getting tough. We pressed as hard as we dared but could not unravel the strange string of events.

Other strange events followed.

Secretary of State Rice had become the "toast of the town" after she had met with Osama bin Laden in a cave in Pakhistan. Their "frank" discussions over three days had been intense, with reporters covering the event testifying in stories printed in world-class newspaper that they were alone for extended periods of time. They said that from time to time they could hear what seemed to be shouting or crying from both.

Curiously, pundits back in Washington observed that Condi was gaining weight again. It was dismissed as too much "wining & dining" at diplomatic galas which were nearly daily events in Washington, as well as many other places. Seasoned reporters noted how such "partying" had ruined the health of William Jefferson Clinton.
After Barack Obama became President-Elect, the transition teams began to work for a smooth change of players. Secretary Rice, who became very obese during the last month of W.'s presidency, was a leader of this transition period. She almost lived at the White House during this period.

FNP watched these events closely. Two more pieces of journalistic luck occurred that helped us unravel the mystery. One, when President Bush and First Lady Laura turned over the White House to Barack and Michelle Obama, Condoleezza Rice was present. What got FNP's attention was that she was quite thin. She seemed to glow. She looked fit and happy.

Many journalists conceded that she had a tough job which she did very well indeed. Naturally, handing over the responsibilities must have taken a great burden from her shoulders. Of course, she would be happy.

However, at FNP journalistic antennae were raised high. Then, the second event occurred. The Obama Administration was only a few days beyond a month in power. We got a call from a very high contact at the C.I.A., who told us to look for a package in a trash can on the street corner one block away. He told us to look for one marked "W.C.'s unwanteds."

This message was too curious not to investigate. Many of our older reporters recalled the "Deep Throat" period of journalism. Only recently was the identity of "Deep Throat" discovered to be Bernadine Dorhn, who had been introduced to the Graham family by Ms. Squeaky Fromme, who acted at the behest of Ms. Patty Hearst.

As a matter of fact, FNP honcho, Anthony Eaglewolf, went to the designated trash can and dug for the described envelope. Both surprised and relieved, he brought the envelope back unopened. It was large and more of a package than envelope. The message written on it was in black marker ink.

Back at the FNP office he set the package on a table. A dozen newshounds gathered about it. Anthony opened it with a small box-opening knife. The moment it opened, it emitted a dreadful odor. Anthony dumped its contents on the table. A small mound of Pampers were suddenly formed. We photographed the evidence. Then Anthony Eaglewolf ordered reporters and photographers to begin a general search of trash cans near the White House, looking for packages that were identical to the one just opened. That night a score of trash cans yielded packages of Pampers.
There was a new mystery that was born that night. Some of the packages were marked "W.C.'s" but others were marked "O.C.'s." The staff at FNP looked at each other. What do these initials mean? Something strange was going on!

Not two days had passed, when once again, Dollie Daugherty noticed an intriguing envelope in FNP's delivery slot. It looked just like the odd envelope that had had the picture that stirred up the FNP brass. She picked it up and went to her desk. She opened it. She removed a photo that had a small note stuck to it. It read: "My 'Daddy's' in the White House." It was almost the same message she had read before. Yet, there was a different signature. This message was signed "O.C." She looked at the picture. It was not the same baby. There was a new baby picture. She hurried to the executive offices at the top of the FNP Building.

A few FNP executives were meeting in a large chamber to discuss, as it happened, the strange events at the White House. Dollie burst into the room. Although a bit annoyed at first, one look at Dollie and they knew it was important. She handed one of them the envelope with the picture and note. The contents were soon revealed to the gathered news mavens.

One of them, Jasper Bain, looked triumphantly at the others and said: "The mystery at the White House is solved. Gentlemen, I present to you another love-child in the White House. We have a case of the same hole but different poles!"

FNP has made several efforts to interview Condoleezza Rice, Osama bin Laden and W. None have returned our telephone calls. The Obama White House has refused to affirm or deny the presence of love-children at the White House. Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel has indicated to the press that his lips were sealed.

FNP: SCIENTISTS SEE NEW KID ON THE BLOCK

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

A small but growing segment of the scientists specializing in Physical Anthropology, Forensic Anthropology, Comparative Anatomy, Evolutionary Biology, Ethnology, Gene Ontology, and Sociology and Unified Cultural Speciology believe that “man” and “ape” are essentially the same thing. Therefore, they believe that modern taxonomy should reflect this likeness, as opposed to distinctions. This movement generally deplores human ethnocentrism as “bad science” and essentially “racist.”

“Lookee,” said Professor Morris Goodman of Wayne State University’s School of Medicine in Detroit, “Humans are like 2010 Mercedes Benz, while chimps are like 2007 models. We are basically the same car.”

Professor Goodman led a team of scientists who analyzed published sequences of 97 genes on six “apes,” including chimps, gorillas, orangutans and man. These researchers discovered that 99.4 % of the key DNA sites (collectively, 90,000 base pairs – “genetic letters”) that code for proteins were shared among humans and chimps. The other apes are almost as close. The logical implication of his data is that there is only one true “Homo.” All should be placed in the same Genus, whether it is termed “Homo” or “Pan.”

Among contemporary, living apes only humans are placed in the category of “Homo.” This has been the case since modern taxonomy was defined by the famous Swedish scientist, Carl Linnaeus, in Systemae Naturae, published in 1735. Johann Friedrich Blumenbach had proposed a new taxonomy in 1795, but it retained Linnaeus’ human priority and distinction from the Ape category.

Georgetown University Professor Stanley Blatzberg-Harriman has drolly categorized these early taxonomists as “jive-turkey Europeans.”

On occasion FNP has noted articles carried by other news media in which the suggestion was made that chimps and man be classified as “Homo.” The logic of such articles seemed to be that chimps should not be incarcerated in zoos, but rather these “brothers” should be attending usual human institutions such as churches, synagogues, lodges, schools, et cetera. There should be equal opportunity for all humans (or apes) in the workplace, and they should have equal access to public facilities.

“Separate-but-equal concepts of law among humans has been declared unconstitutional,” declared Professor Amery Stern-Morgan of Harvard University’s School of Law. “Should scientists determine that chimps and other apes share 99.4% of the same DNA architecture as humans, what court would deny their humanity?”

According to FNP’s researcher on this issue, the figure of 99.4% shared genes, used by the Goodman team, differed from other studies.

For example, the Roy J. Brutten team, using a different approach, arrived at a figure of 95% correspondence between chimp and human genomes. Still another study by Tatsuya Ansai and his team, again using a different approach, arrived at 86.7% correspondence. Still, other media have used the figure of 97%, when featuring this issue.

For our readers to better understand this problem, FNP offers a caveat. When Linnaeus created his taxonomy, he used the word “species,” which was derived from the Latin word for “to see.” Hence, what was visible to the eye as a significant difference became a defining categorical niche. However, in private Linnaeus apparently questioned his own division of Man from Ape. One reason for his decision was “fear of clergy.”

Clearly, the issue of difference would be argued, due to its subjectivity, even when facts were set forth to offer justification. Due to human bias, this had a prevailing effect of human ethnocentrism and superiority.

However, when the technology advanced in optics, et al, to see “the world within,” opinion among scientists began to radically drift away from ordinary humans. They immersed themselves in an otherwise “strange land.” Their predominant link to the ordinary human’s world became weaker and more tenuous. A kind of contempt for the “vulgarity” of every-day people arose.



Scientist, such as Professor Irv Davis of Stanford University, proclaimed that the distinction between humans and chimps was basically “cultural.” He stated, “Maybe if the chimps would send us a Peace Corps, humans could be uplifted from their vain modes of thinking. At Stanford we are attempting to develop a chimp pedagogy specifically trained to teach humans.”

Famed British physicist, Richard Dawkins, decried the “discontinuous mind” which tries to impose inflexible, inaccurate definitions to non-discreet phenomena. “How,” he wondered, “Can science accept a decorative distinction between waffles and pancakes as permanent?”

FNP reports, but our function does not include defining forms of life. If a chimp becomes a governor or senator, we will judge him by his deeds – not by whether he has “poster boy” good-looks or comes from a rich family. As the poet Robert Burns wrote: “A man’s a man for all that.” FNP might well add: “An ape’s an ape for all that.”