FNP: DONNYBROOK AT WHITE HOUSE GALA

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

Normally, the White House is an oasis of pomp and circumstance. However, according to usually reliable sources, that was not the case at a recent gala. President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle had decided to honor television celebrities with a Night at the White House tribute. Many well-known names attended. All was proceeding swimmingly, sources confirm.

The seating arrangement was such as to place at the same table several people, one of which was our anonymous source. She is a well-known figure in local television. According to her, Joan Rivers, Vince McMahon, and Sally Jesse Raphael were seated opposite her and in that order. At her left side and opposite them were special guests of the Obamas – Bill and Bernadine Dohrn Ayers, who are lawyer types, rather than television personalities, per se.

After several rounds of champagne and wine which were served during the fete, the mood was apparently carefree and chatty.

At the outset President Obama had given a welcoming speech, and he singled out Joan Rivers for this year’s “Michelle Award” for her long career in television. There was generally goodwill at the table where she sat. The Ayers both arose to embrace Joan Rivers, applauding her revolutionary humor. According to our source, Sally Jesse Raphael seemed inappropriately subdued, even disgruntled.

When they were all seated again, the smiling, merry mood seemed to continue. However, the friendliness distinctly changed soon after Vince McMahon turned to Sally Jesse Raphael and said: “Sally Jesse, next year will be your year.”

Joan Rivers looked shocked. Suddenly, the table was hushed. According to our source, at that very moment Bernadine Dohrn Ayers snapped at Vince: “Sally Jesse hasn’t grown like Joan has.” Bill Ayers added: “Joan has outgrown Sally Jesse. To give Sally Jesse the Michelle Award would degrade it.”

Vince appeared to be extremely uncomfortable.

Sally Jesse leaned forward, turning toward Joan Rivers, and said: “Joan, I’ll always remember you as you were – before the thousand operations. Michael Jackson told me a few years ago that you often used his plastic surgeons, and he marveled how you, as with him, had become a “makeover goddess.”

A look of outrage came over Joan Rivers.

Across the table Bernadine glared at Sally Jesse and said loudly: “Sally Jesse Raphael, when you are not held in contempt, you are laughed at as a talentless yenta. You should not even be seated at the same table as Joan Rivers!”

FNP was informed by our witness that Sally Jesse then rose from her seat and swung a fist at Bernadine, grazing her chin. Almost immediately after that, Joan Rivers leaped from her seat and circled behind Vince. She pulled Sally Jesse’s hair in a move which our source likened to a “back-shot.” Sally Jesse wield, clutching her hair for relief, and began clawing at Joan. Vince tried to separate the two, sustaining deep scratches to his face and hands. He was also bitten by Joan.

When this melee broke out, the Obamas were quickly escorted to safety. As our source pointed out, “who knew?” It might have been a madman.

Before the Ayers could circle around the table to help Joan, Marines and Secret Service Agents had reached the combatants and secured the scene. Order was restored. The antagonistic parties were separated.

Under the circumstances, President Obama felt that the gala night must now end. With grace and serenity he thanked all his guests and bade them “God’s speed.” It was time to “sign off.”
FNP contacted the White House Media Response Group to inquire about the strange reports bruited about, regarding the gala. We were told that one of the guests slipped while getting into a chair. Otherwise, the affair went as White House galas normally do.

FNP: WASHINGTON POST HOSTS MOGUL MARCH

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:

FNP has learned that Donald Graham and Catharine Weymouth will host this years "March of the Moguls" under the banner of The Washington Post. This event has become an annual parade showcasing America's leading plutocrats.

The parade will begin at the home of The Washington Post, which is located in a building at 15th & L Streets, NW, Washington, D.C. From there it will proceed southward past the U.S. Treasury building. As the paraders proceed past this building, they will pause to hear a few words of welcome from President Obama and Secretary Tim Geithner.

According to sources high in the Obama Administration, each mogul will receive a $20 Double Eagle gold coin in mint condition as a gesture of "thanks" for all they have done for America. Due to unexpected hardship, Bernie Madoff will receive ten gold coins for services provided in past years.

After this presentation, the moguls will continue their march to the west lawn of the U.S. Capitol. They will be met by a combined assemblage of Senators and Representatives, who will listen respectfully as the moguls sing: "God Gave This Land To We."

After this exuberant songfest, the moguls will be treated to canapes and cocktails. Parked discreetly to the side of the Capitol grounds, scores of limousines will await the weary but merry moguls.

The parade will be led by Donald Graham, Warren Buffet and Catharine Weymouth. Following this trio will be: Walter Shorenstein (San Francisco), Richard Swig (San Francisco), Scott Seligman (Michigan), Martin Selig (Seattle), Jack Benaroya (Seattle), Arthur Cohen (Arlen Realty...), a Samuel J. Lefrak family representative (N.Y.C.), representatives of the Uris, Durst, Tishman, Rudin, Horowitz, Ravitch, Minskoff, Milstein families (N.Y.C.), Sol Goldman and Frederic Rose family representatives (N.Y.C.), Aaron Gural, Leo and Alexander Bing, the Reznicks, Fishers, Koeppels, Wiens, Cohens and Silverstein family representatives (N.Y.C.), Steven Gaines (The Hamptons), Ben Tobin, Jack Weiler, Frederic and Earle Mack (N.Y./N.J.), Aaron Ziegelman (N.Y.C.), Jerry Speyer, Bernard Mendik (N.Y.C.), Steven Green (N.Y.C.), Albert M. Greenfield (Philadelphia), the Hellman family (Los Angeles), the Sam Zell family (Chicago), Neil Bluhm, Judd Malkin, Philip Klutznik (Chicago), Robert Smith (D.C.), Robert Kogod (D.C.) the Haft family representative (D.C.), Mort Zuckerman (D.C.), Albert Abramson (D.C.), Ted Lerner (D.C.), Bernard and Carol Gewirz(D.C.), Robert Rosenthal (D.C.), Estelle Gelman (D.C.), Hermen Greenberg (D.C.), representatives of the Abe Polin family (D.C.), Myer and Adrienne Arsht Feldman (D.C.), Joel Meisel (D.C.), Barry Cohen (D.C.), Jerry Moore (Houston), David Mincberg (Houston), Laurence Hirsch (CEO of Centex), a representative of the Mark Goldweitz family (Boston), Jerome Rappaport (Boston), the Krupp family representative (Boston), Stephen Karp (Boston), Julian Cohen (D.C.), Bruce Beal (Boston), Steve Fishman (Boston), Ron Drucker (Boston), Dick Friedman (Boston), Alan Leventhal (Boston), Edwin Sidman (Boston), the representative of the Simon Konover family (N.E.), Richard Penzer (Pittsburgh), William Adler (Chicago), Jona Goldrich (L.A.), Abraham Lurie (L.A.),Mark Nathanson (L.A.), Craig Robins (Miami), Tony Goldman (N.Y.), John Price (Utah), Sally Barry (Denver), Jordan Perlmutter (Denver), Shaul Baruch (Denver), Phil and Harley Schrager (Omaha), Mort Friedman (Sacramento), Sheldon Solow (N.Y.C.), David Steiner (N.Y.C.), and many Canadian families, such as the Bronfman, Reichman, Munk, Mernick and Belzberg, who control vast properties in America, will send representatives. There are many other prominent moguls - not listed here - who will attend.

Donald Graham was overheard gloating about the march at a recent dinner with Emil and Warren at The Boss Lady. This posh restaurant in Georgetown, named after Katherine Meyer Graham, has become the spot for real power in America and in the world to have a "square meal" of pricey dishes, while plotting such things as control of Brazilian real estate. No wonder "regular" people can't get a seat at it.

Not to worry! FNP has many eyes that are happy to share the news about what they see.