Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:
NEWS BRIEF
Sources close to the president have leaked to selective
media outlets that President Obama has reached a definitive position on capital
punishment in federal cases. FNP was told that the president’s choice will
likely be the standard in all the states of the Union within two years.
FNP’s man at the White House, Freddy O’Dunne, advised FNP
that the president had been concerned about this issue for years. Barack Obama
had never been a proponent of capital punishment prior to achieving his goal of
being the president of the United States. Now, he felt it was the proper time
to commit America to the kind of change he had promised from the outset of his
run for the top office in the land.
Although President Obama had put this issue on the
back-burner as he dealt with the many thorny issues besetting America, the
several recent episodes in which people on the “death beds” in the execution
chambers in penal facilities in various states of the Union having to endure
thirty minutes to an hour or more of suffering, as the poisonous cocktails of
chemicals worked through and wrecked the victims’ bodies, was too much. “There
has got to be a better way,” one highly placed source at the White House heard
President Obama mutter to VP Biden.
Furthermore, President Obama and Vice President Biden sat
together and watched film of recent horrors in the Middle East, including
beheadings and brutal firearm executions. When the president viewed the
execution of the Jordanian pilot who had been placed in a pen and set afire, he
was appalled and wept openly at his inability to help the poor man. “Never
again will America be party to cruel executions,” he told Mr. Biden and his
staff.
According to the briefing that the White House gave
Freddy O’Dunne and other White House newshounds, the president had reached an
understanding with all the governors in all the states of the Union to follow
federal guidelines on the execution of convicts.
The federal guidelines call upon each convict sentenced
to death for a particularly heinous crime to be taken to a “Capital Punishment
Hospice House,” which would be established at each designated facility in which
capital punishment events were scheduled to occur. At these “hospices” the
convicts would experience “freedom within confinement.”
The chemicals used to cause the premature death of each
convict so housed would be introduced daily in a pleasant, even enjoyable
fashion. Each convict “jailed” in these facilities would be provided a menu of
possible choices. Three times a day the chemicals would be introduced into the
convict’s body – usually by himself, if physically able. He was free to choose
the same item for each meal or order something different on each occasion. The
only restriction was that it must be an item listed on the menu. Expert medical
opinion indicated that the poisons would take from six weeks to three months to
produce irreparable toxic damage to a convict’s body, rapid systemic failures
and death.
Each federal execution “hospice” facility would be
staffed with nurses. A qualified physician would visit the facility at least
once a week. These visits would be more frequent, as a convict’s health deteriorated.
Also, a physician would be available on a 24/7 basis for emergency events.
The Department of Justice would be delegated to operate
the convict hospices through its Bureau of Prisons. Former Attorney General
Eric Holder had signed an agreement with McDonald’s to provide the items on the
menu, which would reflect 90% of their typical food offerings, excluding mostly
experimental food items. The current Attorney General, Ms. Lynch, has indicated
to FNP that she intends to follow through on the Holder Initiatives, pursuant
to President Obama’s General Order for Humane Executions.
FNP applauds all federal, state and local efforts at
humane treatment of “wards of the state” whose well-being depends on the
guardianship of relevant governmental agents. A special nod of appreciation
from us to President Obama and former AG Holder for assuming leadership in this
often overlooked area of society.
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