DOES OBAMA NEED A MAKEOVER?

Why would a wealthy, aristocratic gentleman want to war against the West? I've given the matter due consideration and arrived at the most plausible answer. Osama bin Laden suffers from thread envy. As proof of this, at every opportunity photographs reveal that the al Qaeda “big man" has slipped into western-style camos or hiking duds. He doesn't want to wear dresses! His mother-of-all-yentas culture forces him to wear dresses against his will. Bro, he's in deep rebellion. It is true that when he journeys to the west to party down, he can and does slip into slick threads from Savile Row. That's because he thinks that Mom's not looking. The Muslim world knows. It's a downer. It brings frustration. They have to then sport long beards so no one will think they are western-style women. To prove their manhood, they turn to terror. The primary target is the hated West, which is the homeland of slick threads. Bro, it's a love-hate thing.


My suggestion is that we all back-off the triggers for an agreed period of peace. Instead of sending Pentagon warriors to wage war, let the State Department gather together several teams of expert tailors, hair-stylists, cosmeticians, decision-makers on "in" accessories, TV-talk show image-masters, and gag-writers to go to the Levant to assist Islam into the New World Order of Norman Lear America. We were informed several years ago by the Wall Street Journal that the real imperial victory of the West over the world has come through syndicated TV shows and, of course, Hollywood movies, rather than by any military action. Bankers and Hollywood are bringing the world into the same room. If we are to "party down," it can't be an endless Mardi Gras or Halloween. Mostly, kool threads are the key to the new culture (which is admittedly a bit old to Americans surrounded by it). Kool threads and great hair will determine the new pecking order.


People, grow up! You know the Muslims have an inferiority complex on this issue. Help them! The United States must organize something akin to the Peace Corps to go to the Hobo Jungles of the world and get them up to cultural-running speed. I suggest the title "Makeover Corps." Osama bin Laden should be the first Levantine makeover. He will resist at first, but deep down, you know he wants it.


I'd like to add my personal encouragement to Osama. "Get laced and down, Osama. Keep your pockets full of spending loot. Get down, Sheikh, - shake your booty! Turn al Qaeda into a fashion statement. Terrorism? Forgetaboutit!"


November 21, 2009